Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Heat Lose Game 4 Because, You Know, Reasons [Rant]




The Miami Heat lost game 4 to the Indiana Pacers tonight. Here is what I am currently thinking about this in words:

First off, I want to say that while I'm not too hot on David West, I actually don't mind the Pacers. One side of my family is from Indiana, and I appreciate them and their sports. Their team; I won't complain about them. They are, for the most part, pretty cool dudes. But HOLY SCHEIßE is Lance Stephenson the freaking demonic spawn of Ted Bundy and Amanda Bynes. This dude is not a normal functioning human being. First of all, he is horrible at the sport of basketball. Besides for a few good shots in tonight’s game, Stephenson has been largely inefficient and stupid, not to mention is horrible sportsmanship and general douchebaggery. First, he has the worst flop I have ever seen in my entire life (in a stadium that chants “beat the floppers” and other dumb, incoherent, inbred things) whilst guarding Ray Allen, not even following contact. Then, he intentionally stomps on Lebron James’ foot while the two are at the free throw line. When the refs did not catch it, Lebron goes to point it out to them. On his return, Stephenson, staring at The King the entire time, then proceeds to blow into his ear. LANCE STEPHENSON BLEW RANCID, DISEASED AIR PARTICLES INTO OUR SAVIOR’S EARLOBE. What the hell is this? Does he plan on the little demon critters hibernating in his saliva to cultivate a colony inside of our Greatness’ ear, only to spawn more Stephenson babies to end all of humanity as we know it? Or does he seriously belong in an asylum removed from society (I personally believe this to be necessary). Seriously, get this guy out of basketball. HE FREAKING THREW HIS WIFE DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS DAMMIT.

Ok, now onto that pathetic excuse for human life Joey Crawford. Seriously, Crawford makes Tim Donaghy look like that black dude in the NFL that everybody respects as an official (bad joke, but I’m clearly upset here). Crawford, that Dr. Evil-looking piece of elephant dung that is somehow, FOR SOME REASON, still employed by the freaking National Basketball Association, and single-handedly made this game not about the players who play it, but the dingbat numb-nuts who run around in clown costumes trying to control it. I hate talking about refs. They have one of the hardest jobs in sports and 99% of the time stay out of the way of the game. But when collectively the entire group of NBA officials come into a series with an attempt to “contain” it, or keep it “under control,” whatever the hell that means, because they can’t be grown men enough to sack up and keep ten grown men at a time from beating each other to a pulp (the Heat would win by the way, we have Udonis and Juwan Howard), and call ticky-tac fouls all series because they think every little bit of contact will cause a full-on Pistons-Pacers brawl, then we have ourselves a bit of a FREAKING PROBLEM. Seriously, the officiating has been bad, on both sides of the coin, the entire series. Not one 120 second span has seen itself a set of calls that I have agreed with, or anybody else with SIX LOBES OF A BRAIN and THE AMOUNT OF BASKETALL KNOWLEDGE THAT KHLOE KARDASHIAN HAS. BUT, on top of it all, you see a no-call on a hack on Mario Chalmers with two minutes left in the game, a foul-out for LEBRON THE FREAKING ALMIGHTY JAMES for a GODDAMN MOVING SCREEN that Roy Hibbert does EVERY SINGLE SCREEN HE CREATES with 50 seconds left in the game, and then a TRAVEL CALL ON DWYANE WADE IN A MOVE HE DOES TWICE A POSSESSION AND A MOVE EVERY SINGLE NBA PLAYER BESIDES FOR LANCE STEPHENSON IS CAPABLE OF DOING AND DOES. Like, wat? Are you kidding me? Really? There’s a point where you can’t win a basketball game because of calls made against you. That happened tonight. Also, those calls were wrong. So that’s why we yell and write in all caps.

But on top of it all, you know what gets to me the most? 14-39. FOURTEEN FOR THIRTY NINE. You know what that is? That’s 36%. That is the 36% that is attributed to the shooting percentage of the three players that are making a combined 52 MILLION DOLLARS THIS SEASON. Seriously, if you call yourselves the Big Three, The Heatles, The Friends Who All Came To South Beach To Play Basketball Together, or whatever, then you can muster more than 36% from the field in a GAME FOUR OF AN EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS, right? Right? 52 million dollars. My ass. I could wipe my ass with 52 million dollars and it would be put to a greater use than what James, Wade, and Chris Bosh did tonight. You gotta be freaking kidding. Lebron I can see—he played well despite shooting 8-18. If he didn’t get that BS moving screen foul and foul out, we probably would have won this game, despite how poorly this team played. Dwyane Wade I can maybe understand. Take a few less shots please, but I can see why you can only play explosive in spurts, with that bum knee and all. But…Chris. Chris? HEY RAPTOR, I’M LOOKING AT YOU. You are 6 feet freaking 11 inches tall and you’ve grabbed about one and a half FREAKING rebounds this series. If I was 6’1’’ I would WILT CHAMBERLAIN all over the freaking Tropical Park basketball court on my way to freaking pick-up in Harlem. With your athletic ability and dinosaur blood, you should be PULLING DOWN 15 A GAME. 15. We are in the freaking playoffs people! What in the freaking hell don’t you understand? You mean to tell me you’re going to play like my 70 year old grandmother in GAME FOUR and shoot 1-6 from the field and THREE REBOUNDS? THREE REBOUNDS? I can get three rebounds with one leg high on freaking heroin. I’m 6 foot flat. My 72 inches could punch Hibbert in the nuts and jump over George Hill’s gargantuan shoulders to grab 3 rebounds in a 48 minute basketball game.

And role players—don’t think you’re getting off the hook. Shane Battier—why are you still in this game? You couldn’t guard David West with a riot shield, so when you’re three point shot isn’t hitting, what is your use? At all? For how smart and as much as a team play as you supposedly are, why aren’t you taking yourself off the court? Or at least passing up every shot opportunity? Go away bro. I always knew I hated Dukies. And Ray Allen. Bro. You’re 37 years old. AND I DON’T GIVE A DAMN. You’re a future Hall of Famer and the greatest 3 ball shooter IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME. We don’t like you Ray. We hate you. You’re a Celtic and always will be. So if you’re going to come to this team, THEN FREAKING MAKE YOUR GODDAMN THREE POINT FIELD GOALS. We will accept your presence, and all you have to do is DO WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR 16 STINKIN SEASONS. Holy Moses. And don’t pull no age card with me. Tim Duncan is the same age and he can still put Joey Crawford’s oversized head into a basket half as wide from 18 feet. Jesus.

Lebron James—I’m calling you out right now. This team doesn’t give two damns right now. They’re cocky bastards who feel entitled because they’ve won ONE FREAKING CHAMPIONSHIP. Udonis has won TWICE AS MANY AS ALL OF YOU (besides DWade) and still plays his freaking ass off for this damn team. Dwyane has done more for this city in the sports world than anybody not named God’s Right Arm or Don Shula, but he’s about useless now. It’s up to YOU sir. No more pussyfooting around. No more 24 points on 8-18 shooting. No more 6 rebounds and 5 assists. I’m tired of admiring your greatness. It gets boring. I want to see a Celtics Game Six from you, right now. Not while we’re facing elimination, not when there’s nothing left. I want to see you pull it out of thin air, right now. Make Game 6 obsolete. Cut Game 7 off the schedule. End this God-forsaken series Thursday night, in Miami, so hard that all of the tractors in Indiana will stop working like its freaking War of the Worlds and Indiana is all naming their inbred babies after your because you are their uncle (which would also make you their father, incidentally). Stop taking this crap, take the ball from everybody, and cockslam the Pacers and goddamn Lance Stephenson so they can’t breathe no more. End this misery so I don’t have to think about Tony Freaking Parker sipping Mai Tais on the beach right now waiting for your ass to finish this. I don’t care anymore. Shoot 45% like Carmelo Freaking Anthony. Be an idiot like Russell Freaking Westbrook. Just drop 45 15 and 10 and win this freaking series. I hate this shit.

Stupid-ass Game Five is in Miami Thursday night at 8:30. I don’t want to watch it with any of you. I want to spew in my dark cell and judge the hell out of Lebron until he wins me another freaking championship.

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