Heat Take Game 5 Of ECF, Or UD AWESOMENESS

I said I would either be doing two things after this game: eating banana bread to celebrate a win and a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference Finals against the Pacers, or eating banana bread to drown my sorrows after a loss. And no, while eating banana bread would usually be a euphemism for something else in this situation, I am quite actually eating banana bread right now and it's freaking awesome.

For the first half, the Miami Heat played much like they did in the last game, which would have either earned them another epic rant post  or a complete shut down of this blog due to my anger. Let's be honest, nobody would want this. This is not something that we look forward to or desire. Despite this fact, the Heat played like the the heaping sack of rhinoceros feces that they love to emulate from time to time for the entirety of the first half, even after The Birdman, Chris Andersen, brought some energy into the American Airlines Arena in the second quarter by lowering his shoulder Adrian Peterson-style into Beaker, earning him a flagrant foul, while a minute later blocking a Hansbrough shot. Still, after all of this awesomeness, James, Wade, and Bosh continued to take idiotic jump shots over Lancer Stephenson the Wife Beater and refusing to put a body on Roy Hibbert and David West to grab a rebound, for the damn freaking life of me. 

But then, something happened. According to lore (or a Udonis Haslem interview after the game), resident Heat hustla Juwan Howard said some choice words at high decibels while throwing things in the locker room to the team at halftime. Then, once the Heat got onto the floor to start the third quarter, Lebron James visibly said some more choice words at higher decibels from the bench. And then, asspounding happened.

Immediately, we saw a new team. The quarter started off with a D-Wade trip to the line, a Lebron James layup, a Udonis Haslem layup, a Udonis Haslem thundering one-handed slam, and then a Lebron James dunk. A 9-4 run, followed by a brilliant display of no-shits-given domination by The Flying Death Machine and, you guessed it, The Mayor of Miami Udonis Haslem. The Mayor had no regard for anything anybody had to say about anything, going 8-9 from the floor for 16 points and carrying the Heat against the pathetically offensively inept Pacers with the King himself. Haslem went vintage a la Game 3 of this series, hitting the deep baseline jumper from the left over and over and over again until the Pacers finally realized what was happening before giving up the shot again. UD ain't even care that his fellow teammates Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh have decided to approach this series as they would a London tea party with their 5 year old daughter. Including a fight with David West that earned him a technical but also saw a representation of, shall we say, a "pop of your face" with his fingers, Haslem decided to take it to the Pacers like Rambo would  the Viet Cong. 

And let's not forget about James. Even though the King largely refused to take it to the rim, his stroke from deep was something to be revered, as he rained it down from all rangers on the floor. 30, 8, and 6 is an amazing yet normal stat line for Lebron, but even the biggest hater couldn't deny his dominance in this basketball game, especially since he literally has had zero help this entire series apart from two amazingly efficient games from 2-time champ UD. Lebron has single-handedly carried this series on his shoulders, and even though he did not have the game I called for in my Game 4 rant recap, he did enough to dominate the Pacers in the second half and easily win this game.

Game 5 saw a reversion back to the norm for both teams; the Pacers became a painfully inefficient offensive basketball team outside of Paul George, and the Heat became a highly efficient, pace and space offense that drove to the hoop and kicked out for three. Mario Chalmers, of all freaking people, has also been a huge boost for Miami, as his high-energy and fearless driving to the rim has been a welcome sight in the wake of the Disappearance of Dwyane Wade. But I am not bold enough to predict a win in 6 for this Heat team still not playing with the fire that it should be this late in the season. We have only seen three halves of 27-game win streak basketball from Miami this series, and unlike the first two series, this team has not bounced back from a shot against its opponents to dominate and finish. The Pacer's inside presence and lack of support from Bosh and Wade spells 7 games for his tie, even if the Heat should win at home at the end. But unless Lebron can perform another Game Six and destroy the Pacers in Indiana, The Disappearance is just too big for this Heat team to overcome. And Chris Bosh, what the hell man?

Game 6 is Saturday at 8:30. I will be sweating ballsacks in my living room biting my nails down to a point where you no longer need bamboo, and I don't want to talk to you during it. Good night and good luck, Miami. 

Also, I freaking love Juwan Howard. 

EDIT: Best comment I've heard about this game: "Bosh & Wade are being carried harder than Bran Stark." Boom.

Heat Lose Game 4 Because, You Know, Reasons [Rant]

The Miami Heat lost game 4 to the Indiana Pacers tonight. Here is what I am currently thinking about this in words:

First off, I want to say that while I'm not too hot on David West, I actually don't mind the Pacers. One side of my family is from Indiana, and I appreciate them and their sports. Their team; I won't complain about them. They are, for the most part, pretty cool dudes. But HOLY SCHEIßE is Lance Stephenson the freaking demonic spawn of Ted Bundy and Amanda Bynes. This dude is not a normal functioning human being. First of all, he is horrible at the sport of basketball. Besides for a few good shots in tonight’s game, Stephenson has been largely inefficient and stupid, not to mention is horrible sportsmanship and general douchebaggery. First, he has the worst flop I have ever seen in my entire life (in a stadium that chants “beat the floppers” and other dumb, incoherent, inbred things) whilst guarding Ray Allen, not even following contact. Then, he intentionally stomps on Lebron James’ foot while the two are at the free throw line. When the refs did not catch it, Lebron goes to point it out to them. On his return, Stephenson, staring at The King the entire time, then proceeds to blow into his ear. LANCE STEPHENSON BLEW RANCID, DISEASED AIR PARTICLES INTO OUR SAVIOR’S EARLOBE. What the hell is this? Does he plan on the little demon critters hibernating in his saliva to cultivate a colony inside of our Greatness’ ear, only to spawn more Stephenson babies to end all of humanity as we know it? Or does he seriously belong in an asylum removed from society (I personally believe this to be necessary). Seriously, get this guy out of basketball. HE FREAKING THREW HIS WIFE DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS DAMMIT.

Ok, now onto that pathetic excuse for human life Joey Crawford. Seriously, Crawford makes Tim Donaghy look like that black dude in the NFL that everybody respects as an official (bad joke, but I’m clearly upset here). Crawford, that Dr. Evil-looking piece of elephant dung that is somehow, FOR SOME REASON, still employed by the freaking National Basketball Association, and single-handedly made this game not about the players who play it, but the dingbat numb-nuts who run around in clown costumes trying to control it. I hate talking about refs. They have one of the hardest jobs in sports and 99% of the time stay out of the way of the game. But when collectively the entire group of NBA officials come into a series with an attempt to “contain” it, or keep it “under control,” whatever the hell that means, because they can’t be grown men enough to sack up and keep ten grown men at a time from beating each other to a pulp (the Heat would win by the way, we have Udonis and Juwan Howard), and call ticky-tac fouls all series because they think every little bit of contact will cause a full-on Pistons-Pacers brawl, then we have ourselves a bit of a FREAKING PROBLEM. Seriously, the officiating has been bad, on both sides of the coin, the entire series. Not one 120 second span has seen itself a set of calls that I have agreed with, or anybody else with SIX LOBES OF A BRAIN and THE AMOUNT OF BASKETALL KNOWLEDGE THAT KHLOE KARDASHIAN HAS. BUT, on top of it all, you see a no-call on a hack on Mario Chalmers with two minutes left in the game, a foul-out for LEBRON THE FREAKING ALMIGHTY JAMES for a GODDAMN MOVING SCREEN that Roy Hibbert does EVERY SINGLE SCREEN HE CREATES with 50 seconds left in the game, and then a TRAVEL CALL ON DWYANE WADE IN A MOVE HE DOES TWICE A POSSESSION AND A MOVE EVERY SINGLE NBA PLAYER BESIDES FOR LANCE STEPHENSON IS CAPABLE OF DOING AND DOES. Like, wat? Are you kidding me? Really? There’s a point where you can’t win a basketball game because of calls made against you. That happened tonight. Also, those calls were wrong. So that’s why we yell and write in all caps.

But on top of it all, you know what gets to me the most? 14-39. FOURTEEN FOR THIRTY NINE. You know what that is? That’s 36%. That is the 36% that is attributed to the shooting percentage of the three players that are making a combined 52 MILLION DOLLARS THIS SEASON. Seriously, if you call yourselves the Big Three, The Heatles, The Friends Who All Came To South Beach To Play Basketball Together, or whatever, then you can muster more than 36% from the field in a GAME FOUR OF AN EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS, right? Right? 52 million dollars. My ass. I could wipe my ass with 52 million dollars and it would be put to a greater use than what James, Wade, and Chris Bosh did tonight. You gotta be freaking kidding. Lebron I can see—he played well despite shooting 8-18. If he didn’t get that BS moving screen foul and foul out, we probably would have won this game, despite how poorly this team played. Dwyane Wade I can maybe understand. Take a few less shots please, but I can see why you can only play explosive in spurts, with that bum knee and all. But…Chris. Chris? HEY RAPTOR, I’M LOOKING AT YOU. You are 6 feet freaking 11 inches tall and you’ve grabbed about one and a half FREAKING rebounds this series. If I was 6’1’’ I would WILT CHAMBERLAIN all over the freaking Tropical Park basketball court on my way to freaking pick-up in Harlem. With your athletic ability and dinosaur blood, you should be PULLING DOWN 15 A GAME. 15. We are in the freaking playoffs people! What in the freaking hell don’t you understand? You mean to tell me you’re going to play like my 70 year old grandmother in GAME FOUR and shoot 1-6 from the field and THREE REBOUNDS? THREE REBOUNDS? I can get three rebounds with one leg high on freaking heroin. I’m 6 foot flat. My 72 inches could punch Hibbert in the nuts and jump over George Hill’s gargantuan shoulders to grab 3 rebounds in a 48 minute basketball game.

And role players—don’t think you’re getting off the hook. Shane Battier—why are you still in this game? You couldn’t guard David West with a riot shield, so when you’re three point shot isn’t hitting, what is your use? At all? For how smart and as much as a team play as you supposedly are, why aren’t you taking yourself off the court? Or at least passing up every shot opportunity? Go away bro. I always knew I hated Dukies. And Ray Allen. Bro. You’re 37 years old. AND I DON’T GIVE A DAMN. You’re a future Hall of Famer and the greatest 3 ball shooter IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME. We don’t like you Ray. We hate you. You’re a Celtic and always will be. So if you’re going to come to this team, THEN FREAKING MAKE YOUR GODDAMN THREE POINT FIELD GOALS. We will accept your presence, and all you have to do is DO WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR 16 STINKIN SEASONS. Holy Moses. And don’t pull no age card with me. Tim Duncan is the same age and he can still put Joey Crawford’s oversized head into a basket half as wide from 18 feet. Jesus.

Lebron James—I’m calling you out right now. This team doesn’t give two damns right now. They’re cocky bastards who feel entitled because they’ve won ONE FREAKING CHAMPIONSHIP. Udonis has won TWICE AS MANY AS ALL OF YOU (besides DWade) and still plays his freaking ass off for this damn team. Dwyane has done more for this city in the sports world than anybody not named God’s Right Arm or Don Shula, but he’s about useless now. It’s up to YOU sir. No more pussyfooting around. No more 24 points on 8-18 shooting. No more 6 rebounds and 5 assists. I’m tired of admiring your greatness. It gets boring. I want to see a Celtics Game Six from you, right now. Not while we’re facing elimination, not when there’s nothing left. I want to see you pull it out of thin air, right now. Make Game 6 obsolete. Cut Game 7 off the schedule. End this God-forsaken series Thursday night, in Miami, so hard that all of the tractors in Indiana will stop working like its freaking War of the Worlds and Indiana is all naming their inbred babies after your because you are their uncle (which would also make you their father, incidentally). Stop taking this crap, take the ball from everybody, and cockslam the Pacers and goddamn Lance Stephenson so they can’t breathe no more. End this misery so I don’t have to think about Tony Freaking Parker sipping Mai Tais on the beach right now waiting for your ass to finish this. I don’t care anymore. Shoot 45% like Carmelo Freaking Anthony. Be an idiot like Russell Freaking Westbrook. Just drop 45 15 and 10 and win this freaking series. I hate this shit.

Stupid-ass Game Five is in Miami Thursday night at 8:30. I don’t want to watch it with any of you. I want to spew in my dark cell and judge the hell out of Lebron until he wins me another freaking championship.

Heat Take Game 3 In Indiana

After two close, tough match-ups, the Miami Heat took a commanding 2-1 series lead against the Indiana Pacers tonight, winning 114-96.

When asked the difference between this game and the last two, Dwyane Wade commented, "Udonis Haslem, for one." This was true. The future Mayor of Miami went 8-9 from the field for 17 points and 7 rebounds, providing a resounding spark for the stagnant supporting cast of this Heat team. Four other players, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, Mario Chalmers, and Wade, scored in double figures, and Chris Andersen provided 9 and continued his perfect FG% for the series. The Birdman has gone 35-41 (85%) in the playoffs.

Lance Stephenson, Tyler Hansbrough, and Roy Hibbert continued to do their best to be the most annoying Pacers on the planet, while Paul George struggled from the field and on defense against Lebron as the Pacers faltered early and often in the game. The Heat dominated from start to finish, scoring a team postseason record 70 points in the first half.

All in all the Heat proved that they are the more dominant and talented team, and solved the free throw shooting, three point shooting, and turnover problems of the first two games to easily handle the Danny Granger-less Pacers. Honestly, if the Heat play to their potential like they nearly did tonight, Indiana is just not talented enough without Granger to stand a chance, as they did in last year's quarterfinals.

The next game is Tuesday at 8:30, the second in Indiana. My prediction for the rest of the series: either a close win Tuesday for a 5 game series, or a close loss Tuesday followed by a wins in Miami and Indiana for the Heat for a 6 game series. Bank it.

2013 Eastern Conference Semifinals PREVIEW: Heat v Pacers

Sorry for not keeping up with this blog as of late. Finals, family vacation, and irrepressibly boring playoff series got in the way. BUT WE'RE BACK BABY.

To recap the Heat's first two series...well, so the Heatles and Co. beat the Bucks, which was expected and kind of dull. Then the injury-depleted Bulls came to town, and some people thought this would be exciting because the bastards beat the Heat to end The Win Streak, but then what most people thought would happen happened and it took 5 games and lots of annoying pushing and shoving to extinguish the Derrick Rose-led Bulls. Oh yeah, and Derrick Rose is a wimp.

So here we are with those pesky Indiana Pacers, who, if you don't remember, gave Miami some small fits last season, going up 2-1 before losing three in a row once Dwyane Wade decided to give a shit. Also, last year's series gave us this:

Also, this series is somewhat interesting because anytime there's an opportunity to beat David West, Paul George, Hibbert, and the ever-so-ornery Frank Vogel it's fun. Also, Frank Vogel sucks. Because of the Pacer's irrelevance, I forget about how much I hate Vogel and focus my deserved hatred too much upon the Penguin. But, Vogel is easily the most unlikable coach in the league and he is the worst. And he talks a ton of crap. But alas, we must again go through that dung-hole state of Indiana on our way to the Finals, so be it. At least we don't have to look at Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer's ugly faces or Monta Ellis and Brandon Jennings' tattoos and inefficient shot selections any longer.