The Season Continues

As I have done previously, I will recap this game in sections dividing my opinions on different subjects.

The Refs

Joey Crawford, I cannot think of a person on this Earth that I honestly hate more than I hate you. You are an abomination to this league, to this sport, and to this country. Whenever you make a call, I think about two things: this, and that line from Vince Vaughn in Dodgeball: "You're adopted. You're parents don't even love you." Both of those things, Joey, are true.

Joey, you are more of an attention whore than Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes' artificially fertilized same-sex relationship-child would be. You were banned from the league for a season and somehow still reinstated even though the Touchdown Seahawks call made more sense than each and every one of your calls make. You look like a seal high after having oral surgery. You see the same call twice and call it different ways. You see the same team that everybody thinks you will favor and you screw them for attention. You see the same kind of pizza roll in your fridge as you heated up and ate ten minutes ago and you still eat it (that's a fat joke, and, you're the worst). My dog drinking pool water instead of fresh water out of its bowl three feet away makes more sense than your no-calls on Tony Parker stiff arms. I understand string theory more than your "verticality" rules.

You watch Tony Parker flop in front of you after losing the basketball lazily and call a phantom foul a la Dwyane Wade 2006. You allow the entire Spurs team, coaching staff, fans, and city of San Antonio to each have a turn hacking Lebron James and Dwyane Wade each drive to the basket without calling as much as a shooting foul. You then let Manu Ginobli's Argentine ass shove an elbow into Lebron's face, merely calling a personal foul. Danny Green intentionally fouls on a Lebron breakaway and you don't call it. I hate you.

A Heat player decides to box out FOR ONCE IN THEIR USELESS LIVES while some idiotic Spurs player, probably French, jumps onto his back to retrieve it. You then call a foul on that Heat player when they phantom-foul the following shot.

You once threw Tim Duncan out of a game for smiling, something Lance Stephenson does while flicking you off and calling you a motherf***** while in the game and punching you (and his wife) in the face. You then give him every call for an entire playoff series. You are about as kind as that old neighbor in the Sandlot, before we find out that he's actually  really nice. You ruined an otherwise decently officiated NBA Finals. You are an attention whore.

You deserve nothing but this rant. Nothing. Not a job. Not presents on Christmas. Not grandkids. You are a disgrace to our sport and our society. Go away. Forever.


The Team

You are the biggest trolls of all time. You don't care whatsoever for three quarters before finally kinda trying in the fourth. Lebron, you play like toro mierda for nearly all of the game before turning it on in the fourth, only to turn the ball over twice at the end of game to apparently lose, a la Pacers series. Then Ray Allen hits the most incredible three pointer I've ever seen in my life, ever. Then Coach Spo inexplicably leaves in Dwyane Wade despite his obvious disadvantages to our offense AND defense AND Wade takes an iso shot at the end of the game. Then Ray Allen, of all people, forces a Manu turnover (granted, anybody could force a Manu turnover right now). Then we win. How again?

Chris Bosh, you won this game for us. Yes, the Lebron three. And then yes, the Ray three. Yes, Ray's defense. Yes, all of that. But Chris Bosh, the rebound to set up the game tying three, the box outs, the multiple blocks, first on Tony Parker and then on Danny Green's potentially game-tying three in overtime. Damn it man, I love you.

Do I think we'll win in the game I won't be able to see due to a mission trip to Mexico, also known by some as game 7? I don't think so, honestly. I'm not a believer in being able to flip the switch and all of a sudden care and try hard enough to win a championship. However, this is the Miami Heat. They are the biggest trolls of all time and love to win when you think they'll win it least. Honestly, who knows what will happen Thursday (I certainly don't, or won't)?

All I can say is: forget burning the boats, BURN THE DAMN HEADBAND.

Game Four: The Return Of The Big Three

Let's be honest here. The Miami Heat's Big Three of Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and Lebron James has been anything but "big" the past three games, and arguably at any point in this postseason. Regardless if you're on the side that says that Wade needs to be amnestied and Bosh needs to be traded or if you're on the side that was willing to wait things out, there was an air of doubt concerning the super trio of best friends and their collective domination of anuses. Well, if game 4 of this NBA Finals series was any indication, the Heatles are back, baby, and they're taking over America.

Rather than Heat role players carrying the load for Miami like they have all series (besides Lebron, minus game 3), the future Hall of Famers making 17+ million a year stepped it up big time in game 4, a resounding 109-93 victory for the Heat. Dwyane Wade finished with 32 points, 6 rebounds, 4 assists, and SIX STEALS (!!!!) on 56% shooting (which was much higher before Wade started throwing up low percentage shots for the hell of it once the game was in hand), Lebron James with 33 points, 11 rebounds, 4 assists, and 2 blocks on 60% shooting (!!!!), and Chris Bosh with 20 points, 13 rebounds, 2 steals, and 2 blocks on 57% shooting. This was a return, all around, to the small-ball Flying Death Machine obliteration the Heat had perfected for the past two seasons, while also proving that this NBA Finals match-up against the San Antonio Spurs is a back-and-forth, most likely 7 game marathon with plenty of ups-and-downs and an ignorance of jumping to conclusions after a single game.

Wade looked as close to 2006 as he can get, if he wasn't there, slashing to the hoop, hitting 18 foot J's, and dishing out dirty, sneaky assists to open teammates in a return to glory despite being chastised for his sub-par, injured play for most of the postseason. Wade looked active on the defensive end as well, closing out on three-point attempts with aggression and collecting SIX Spurs turnovers. It was a classic and memorable night for our favorite MV3, and will go down in his Hall of Fame history, especially if the Heat win this series.

Lebron, despite being chastised for a horrible game 3 by national media and creating excited whispers about the 2011 Finals, came out with a vengeance, scoring from everywhere on the court, grabbing rebounds, setting up teammates, and playing lock-down defense on just about everybody. It was a normal, yet amazing, King James performance in one of the most needed times of the playoffs. But he's not clutch or anything, and Popovich had figured him out. Right.

Boshua Bear also had himself a great night, knocking down jumpers for the first time in FOREVER and playing great defense on Tim Duncan often throughout the night. Christopher was also a beast down low for the first time in REALLY FOREVER, grabbing 13 boards and taking the ball to the rim frequently without regard for anybody.

The supporting cast also played well (Mario Chalmers was 2/3 from the arc and Ray Allen contributed 14 solid points), but this night was all about the Big Three, the Three Kings, the Heatles, the Triad, the Bestfriends of Awesomeness. This is what the Heat was built for, and whatever Bosh and Wade did before the game they better do in three days time, and two days after that. The series is now a best-of-three with two of those games in Miami. That, my friends, is called home court advantage. That, my friends, is called advantage: Miami.

Chris "Birdman" Andersen did not check into the game for the first time in these NBA playoffs, in a surprising but solid move by Coach Erik Spoelstra. Udonis "The Mayor" Haslem and Bosh have both been playing better defense on Tim Duncan and Tiago Splitter (well, everybody plays good defense on Tiago Splitter) than Birdman has this series, and the Bird's contributions on offense have dropped since the Pacers' series. Spo also made a great adjustment on defense in putting an emphasis on the Spurs' ridiculously inexplicable three-point shooting barrage, which the Heat were able to control in game 4 to a point where it did not keep the Spurs into the game, which was being dominated by Miami from start to finish. All around it was a great showing despite Danny Green's continued domination from the arc and Gary Neal's continued lucky streak from the arc. Also, Tiago Splitter is becoming a nationwide joke, which is awesome.

If Miami, specifically the Big Three, plays like they did in the next two games, this series is over. But if this one has taught us anything it's that one game does not predict the next, and anything can happen in the next three. But one thing is for sure: despite home court advantage, the Heat have to win two in a row at some point to win the series, either Sunday or Tuesday and Thursday, something they haven't done since the Bulls series. It's going to be a wild run, and a fun one at that. So let's go Miami, #FoW.

Heat Take Down The Spurs In Game 2

Despite the world ending, the breakup of the Big Three, and the uber-savvy veteran and perfect San Antonio Spurs, the Miami Heat won game 2 of the NBA Finals Sunday night 103-84, tying the series up at 1-1 before it heads to Texas.

While the Spurs only committed 4 turnovers, were the most "poised," "calm," and other words that describe golfers team ever, and had the greatest coach of all-time for three days, the Heat sat huddled in the shadows, quiet, mentally preparing for the battle ahead. For they new that despite what ESPN might have to say, only a battle was lost on Thursday, and a small one at that. There was still a war to be fought.

And boy was it fought. Even though through three quarters King Of The World "El Cobra Pinga" Lebron James played like I do in pick-up ball against kids my own age (I'm Kobe Bryant and Wilt Chamberlain rolled into one when I play younger opponents, mind you), the Heat rarely, if ever, trailed in this game, with sharp three-point shooting, stout defense, and the great ball movement that marked this team's 27 game win streak offense. It was an all-around team effort to keep the Spurs in check, even while the kings of the decade were shooting an absurd percentage from the arc, Danny Green and his 5 three pointers included. Mario Chalmers, Ray Allen, Mike Miller, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Andersen were all highly efficient from the floor, and a Coach Spoelstra (gasp!) tactical change to switch on nearly all screens flummoxed the "savvy" Spurs, holding San Antonio to a 41% shooting percentage despite their 50% shooting from downtown.

And then, around that time when the defending champs faltered in game one, a magical moment of unicorns and rainbows dispersed down onto the court of the American Airlines Arena; a 33-5 run that was the run of all runs, the run that saved the series and made Greg Popovich make this face more than he usually does. Chalmers started it, but everyone contributed, and eventually Lebron James remembered that he was the best player in the world again (he probably never forgot) and began hitting daggers from 18 feet and tough layups from all over. Then, something happened that hasn't been seen since 3/18/2013.

For some reason, earlier in the fourth quarter, Tiago Splitter received a dish off of a pick-and-roll and thought he had enough offensive talent to drive to the rim and dunk it, even though the King himself, Lebron James, was standing right underneath the basket. Predictably, Splitter's attempt did not go through the basket. Unpredictably (at this point it should almost become predictable despite its shear improbability), Lebron, as Heat beat writer Ethan Skolnick so eloquently put it, altered poor Tiago's life. The block even received mention on Twitter from Roy Hibbert, who apparently is trying to get in the good graces of Miami fans for some reason. But I digress.

Anyway, after the life-altering incident (hard to say it was life-ending like Jason Terry's moment, RIP), it was all Heat from there, with that smug little bastard Popovich putting in the subs with 7 minutes left. Hey, maybe Marc Stein will write an article on how poised and veteran-savvy this Miami Heat team is, older on average than the Spurs and all. It'll probably include "Cleveland" and "Lebron James" in it somehow, but oh well, you can't win them all.

So despite all of the dramatic and depressing hoopla after game 1, the series is tied 1-1 and is either team's to win. We now head to San Antonio for three long games. If the Heat can snatch two, the series is over. But if they only take 1 of them (the minimum to even return to Miami), I still like Miami's chances. And who knows, maybe we'll take all three, as recent history would suggest.

No meme for y'all today. Enjoy this moment below instead:

Heat Go Down In Game 1

Everything seemed right for the Heat for the first three quarters. Miami's offense ran as if the team was in mid-win streak form, Dwyane Wade looked like it was 2006, Ray Allen and Mike Miller were firing and making from everywhere, and Chris Bosh was hitting 18-foot jumpers like her was throwing a nerf football into a swimming pool. And then, the fourth quarter happened.

I won't get into it, mostly because ESPN is beating the thing to death. Everyone again is saying Wade is too old for getting tired at the end, that Lebron needs to take over more (some reporter at the presser today asked him if he needs to go back to his "Cleveland days"--are you freaking kidding me, again?), that Tony Parker and Tim Duncan are too good, that the Spurs are smarter and better executors, blah blah blah blah blah. Basically, someone at ESPN (gasp!), Andrew McNeill from 48 Minutes From Hell, put it best: "Had a couple of plays gone the other way, we'd be talking about whether Parker and Tim Duncan need more help. It was that close a game."

Yes, the Heat played a pretty putrid 4th quarter and despite Lebron's pretty incredible 18, 18, and 10 triple-double, El Cobra Pinga could have scored more. And alas, Tony Parker's French ass hit some ridiculous Harlem Globetrotter's-worthy bank shot near the end of the game to seal it, and Chris Bosh missed a three he'd been making all postseason, and here we all are talking about Wade's amnesty again.

Yes, the Heat need to finish possessions (the Spurs had 21 second-chance points, on, you've heard if you've watched ESPN, on 6 offensive rebounds), guard the arc better, and have the same drive and energy at the end of the game in game 2 and the rest of the series if they hope to win a second consecutive championship. We are all aware, or maybe we're not, that the Heat are 9-1 in series in the Big Three era when losing the first game. They lost the first game against the favorites OKC last season before sweeping their corn-fed asses. So there is absolutely zero juice in the panic meter right now. In the concern meter? Possibly. But the panic meter is about as empty as Charles' Barkley's bank account after a trip to Vegas. 

The next game is Sunday smack-dab in the middle of the Game of Thrones finale. So TIVO it (or realize that if you subscribe to HBO you get HBOGO for free and it's on there immediately after it airs) and get your good vibes ready to split this home opening of these NBA Finals. This one is most likely going the distance, but if Lebron takes over and Coach Spoelstra makes some savvy adjustments, this honestly might be over in 5 or 6. I'm not predicting this at all, but just saying Miami has the talent. 

Prayers to those who can't avoid ESPN or Twitter before Sunday. We are with you, fellow Heat fan. 

Heat-Spurs NBA Finals Preview

Well here we are Heat Nation. The Boats have burned, and we have reached the stage we've all waited for:  the NBA Finals. It's the Miami Heat's third and as many years, coming off of a dramatic seven game series against the hated Indiana Pacers, and the team is looking to win back-to-back titles for the first time in franchise history. The opponent: the San Antonio Spurs, looking for their fifth title in the Popovich, Duncan, Parker, and Ginobli era. The Spurs are old but good, and the Heat are the Heat, and here are some things you should look out for with regards to the match-up and the fan experience.

The Game

1. The Spurs are big, but not as big as the Pacers. Tim Duncan is probably the best power forward in the history of the game and a future Hall of Famer, while Spaniard Thiago Splitter anchors the center position in the front court. Compared to the likes of the Heat's front court, the Spurs' big men are physical and talented, but at least not as physical as Roy Hibbert and David West were. The Heat should honestly be able to handle Splitter, and even Duncan to some degree defensively, but look for the tall duo to give Miami some fits protecting the rim. Again, the notorious "verticality" BS should not come into play as it did for Roy Hibbert, but even with Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and Mario Chalmers driving to the hoop sans Hibbert, Duncan and Splitter are capable enough defenders to not get blown away.

2. Danny Green and Kawhi Leonard are the Spurs' key wing players not named Manu Ginobli, and the key for Miami will be to guard the 3-pt line well enough to force Leonard and Green to create their own shots. Leonard really only has a corner-3 that is consistent enough to worry about, but Green and the white toast ginger Matt Bonner can pop treys from anywhere on the arc, especially after catching a pass from Spurs point guard Tony Parker. Leonard will also have the task of defending Lebron James, which should be an interesting match-up. Leonard is a good defender with an ungodly wingspan, but Lebron James is Lebron James, and don't look for El Cobra Pinga to be slowed down by anybody.

3. The Spurs' Big Three vs. the Heat's Big Three. Duncan, Parker, and Ginobli have been together for a decade and have won four championships together. They are the modern day standard for a dynasty and a team core, something that the Heat look to emulate and even become more legendary. I, unlike the numb-nuts over at ESPN that try to make you think the Heat will lose every game, think the Heat are a deeper team than the Spurs on paper, and I also think that when it comes to tip-off most of the team's slumps will be history. So the true problems for Miami will come when their trio of superstars faces the Spurs', especially Tony Parker. Parker, no doubt, will be brilliant--he averaged 20 points on 52% shooting and 8 assists per game in the regular season with a high PER of 23.1, and has averaged 23 and 7 in these playoffs. Parker is a top 3 point guard in the league and is definitely its most underrated. The Spurs' offense is deadly in the Duncan-Parker pick-and-roll, and Parker is one of the best at making the decision whether to drive and score or drive and dish. I honestly believe Parker will be nearly uncontrollable in this series, even for the astute Heat defense. However, the Heat have some dude named Lebron James, who is better at nearly everything Parker does, unbelievably, so this is a wash, or even a Heat advantage. Manu Ginobli is old, and his minutes are controlled in the days that he can no longer contribute as a Hall of Fame wing player. Dwyane Wade is also old, although not nearly as old, and worn, but if game 7 was any indication, MV3 should treat this series as one that merits a decent amount of effort and energy. Look for that comparison to go the Heat's way as well. The big kicker will be the Spurs' most important cog in their trio, Tim Duncan. Chris Bosh has been in a horrible slump since the Bulls series, and even looked weak and afraid at most other points in the contest. Even though the slump is still raging, Bosh raged a different kind of rage, a dinosaur rage, in game 7, pulling down 8 rebounds and playing stymieing defense. Even if Bosh's shooting slump doesn't recover, slump recoveries from Ray Allen, Shane Battier, and Mike Miller should cover for Chris offensively, and the match-ups in this series suggest Bosh shouldn't face as big a problem on the boards and defensively as he did with the Pacers. However, Tim Duncan, as previously stated, is amazing, and has a leg up over the All-Star Bosh. Duncan has a wide-array of post moves, a great 18 footer, and plays incredible defense, and should play slightly better than any Heat player down low, even in his older age. But, in my opinion, if the Spurs hope to win this series, Duncan will have to play transcendentally, not just good or even great. Like, 25 and 11 transcendent. Look for this.

4. Greg Popovich vs. Erik Spoelstra. We all know Spo is a good coach, and maybe a great coach. But Popovich is one of the best of all time. If you win 4 championships with the most underrated roster in history, you're a damn good coach. I would like to think this is a wash in this series, however, as Spo is excellent at making in-game and in-series adjustments that tailor to the Heat's talents and struggles. Pop is also excellent at this, and his offensive and defensive schemes are sneaky, tactical, and brilliant. Look for both teams to be extremely well prepared and the series to play out like a weirdly intense game of chess.

The Fans

1. The Spurs aren't like the Bucks, Bulls, or Pacers. They don't really have any players that are cocky bastards, smoke a ton of pot and act like assholes, beat their wives, look like Beaker, are mean, or say "no homo" to the media. I mean, Tony Parker is kinda dumb or dumping Eva Longoria. Tim Duncan is...boring? Gibobli has a funny bald spot. Yeah, let's go with that.

2. We don't know much about Spurs fans because there's not many of them and they don't talk much. They are from Texas, though, so they have to be annoying. Plus, the ENTIRE NATION will be Spurs fans in this series, so we can hate them. Yeah, let's hate America on this one.

3. Greg Popovich is a legend, classy, and kinda cool. He's a jerk to the media sometimes, but that's kinda an admirable thing. He makes a scowl  that makes you think he hates children. So there's that. Yeah, he looks really angry and mean. I hate him!

4. All in all not much wrong with this team. They're actually pretty enjoyable, like the Thunder minus Westbrook and Perkins. So there won't be too many personal attacks when you're yelling at your TV screens. So let's just stick to hating the media, twitter, and Reggie Miller on this one, OK?


My Prediction: Heat in 5. But only cause if this thing goes six I'll have to miss it thanks to a mission trip to Mexico. Ruh-roh.

Game 1 is TONIGHT at 9:00pm. LET'S GO HEAT