The Season Continues

As I have done previously, I will recap this game in sections dividing my opinions on different subjects.

The Refs

Joey Crawford, I cannot think of a person on this Earth that I honestly hate more than I hate you. You are an abomination to this league, to this sport, and to this country. Whenever you make a call, I think about two things: this, and that line from Vince Vaughn in Dodgeball: "You're adopted. You're parents don't even love you." Both of those things, Joey, are true.

Joey, you are more of an attention whore than Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes' artificially fertilized same-sex relationship-child would be. You were banned from the league for a season and somehow still reinstated even though the Touchdown Seahawks call made more sense than each and every one of your calls make. You look like a seal high after having oral surgery. You see the same call twice and call it different ways. You see the same team that everybody thinks you will favor and you screw them for attention. You see the same kind of pizza roll in your fridge as you heated up and ate ten minutes ago and you still eat it (that's a fat joke, and, you're the worst). My dog drinking pool water instead of fresh water out of its bowl three feet away makes more sense than your no-calls on Tony Parker stiff arms. I understand string theory more than your "verticality" rules.

You watch Tony Parker flop in front of you after losing the basketball lazily and call a phantom foul a la Dwyane Wade 2006. You allow the entire Spurs team, coaching staff, fans, and city of San Antonio to each have a turn hacking Lebron James and Dwyane Wade each drive to the basket without calling as much as a shooting foul. You then let Manu Ginobli's Argentine ass shove an elbow into Lebron's face, merely calling a personal foul. Danny Green intentionally fouls on a Lebron breakaway and you don't call it. I hate you.

A Heat player decides to box out FOR ONCE IN THEIR USELESS LIVES while some idiotic Spurs player, probably French, jumps onto his back to retrieve it. You then call a foul on that Heat player when they phantom-foul the following shot.

You once threw Tim Duncan out of a game for smiling, something Lance Stephenson does while flicking you off and calling you a motherf***** while in the game and punching you (and his wife) in the face. You then give him every call for an entire playoff series. You are about as kind as that old neighbor in the Sandlot, before we find out that he's actually  really nice. You ruined an otherwise decently officiated NBA Finals. You are an attention whore.

You deserve nothing but this rant. Nothing. Not a job. Not presents on Christmas. Not grandkids. You are a disgrace to our sport and our society. Go away. Forever.


The Team

You are the biggest trolls of all time. You don't care whatsoever for three quarters before finally kinda trying in the fourth. Lebron, you play like toro mierda for nearly all of the game before turning it on in the fourth, only to turn the ball over twice at the end of game to apparently lose, a la Pacers series. Then Ray Allen hits the most incredible three pointer I've ever seen in my life, ever. Then Coach Spo inexplicably leaves in Dwyane Wade despite his obvious disadvantages to our offense AND defense AND Wade takes an iso shot at the end of the game. Then Ray Allen, of all people, forces a Manu turnover (granted, anybody could force a Manu turnover right now). Then we win. How again?

Chris Bosh, you won this game for us. Yes, the Lebron three. And then yes, the Ray three. Yes, Ray's defense. Yes, all of that. But Chris Bosh, the rebound to set up the game tying three, the box outs, the multiple blocks, first on Tony Parker and then on Danny Green's potentially game-tying three in overtime. Damn it man, I love you.

Do I think we'll win in the game I won't be able to see due to a mission trip to Mexico, also known by some as game 7? I don't think so, honestly. I'm not a believer in being able to flip the switch and all of a sudden care and try hard enough to win a championship. However, this is the Miami Heat. They are the biggest trolls of all time and love to win when you think they'll win it least. Honestly, who knows what will happen Thursday (I certainly don't, or won't)?

All I can say is: forget burning the boats, BURN THE DAMN HEADBAND.