Monday, April 29, 2013

Heat Sweep Bucks, Dolphins Draft Guys, MIKE WALLACE IS IGNORANT

(updated 4-29-13 5:32pm)

So the Heat sweep the Bucks, the Dolphins draft a few dudes, but new Dolphins FA receiver MIKE WALLACE IS IGNORANT Y'ALL, so I'm posting about it.

If you haven't read this (and please, go read it, it's wonderfully written), then you won't know that NBA center and 12-year veteran Jason Collins has come out today. This is the first openly gay player in the four major sports leagues, ever. But even if you haven't, Wallace has. Or at least he read about someone reading or, or heard it from somebody, or none of these things happened and he just heard something about a gay dude through the grape vine. Or maybe he was just listening to some Elton John. Either way, something possessed Mr. Wallace to speak out about the gay rights issue; well, that wouldn't fully grasp it. Well, Wallace decided to speak out about something, at least. And of course, he did so on Twitter to his some  followers and anybody who follows those people who saw those people tweet about it, like me.

Wallace has deleted his tweet, but this is what it read: "All these beautiful women in the world and guys wanna mess with other guys SMH"

SMH guys. Shake. My. Head. I don't understand either, Mr. Wallace. I don't understand...never mind. Don't worry about it.

Wallace has since tweeted this:

So yeah. Hopefully Wallace catches footballs better than he understands things. Carry on with your day folks.

UPDATE: Here is the official response from the Miami Dolphins organization:


“Mike Wallace has apologized for his comments, and we have addressed the matter with him. Mike’s comments do not reflect the views of the Miami Dolphins. We believe in a culture of inclusiveness and respect, and any statements to the contrary are in no way acceptable to our organization.
“We will address the entire team about our policy of inclusion and make sure they all understand the importance of respecting individual choices.”


Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dolphins Trade Up To 3 And Pick Dion Jordan From Oregon





So Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland and Co. did something very, very odd and traded up to the third pick in the draft to pick up OLB/DE and pass-rushing freak Dion Jordan from Oregon. This is so weird that I don't have much to say about it. I do have a few thoughts.

1. The Dolphins only gave up the 42nd pick in the draft, even though they moved up 9 spots. Granted, they traded with the Raiders, which makes this bone-headed trade not the least surprising. Hooray for the ghost of Al Davis!

2. Dion Jordan is not a position of need. Well, not a huge one. Everybody who has seen the Dolphins play at least one series on offense and defense notice two things: they don't score touchdowns and they only have one playmaker. That playmaker happens to be Cameron Wake, who turns right tackles into babies and then punts them before eating quarterbacks. But other than that, the Dolphins have a pass rush similar to the Miami Hurricanes, which means they'd rather take passing downs off on defense than anything else. So Dion Jordan provides another freak of nature to run at Tom Brady twice a year.

This does, however, pretty much solve our defensive tackle problem. Paul Soliai's contract is done after next season and Randy Starks is franchise tagged. Most think that the Phins won't be able to afford both, so this allows the Dolphins to pick one, slide Jared Odrick (the other DE we traded a first round pick for, except that time it was lower in the draft) to DT, and turn Dion Jordan into a 3-down player instead of a situation pass-rusher, which is 3rd overall pick status suggests.

3. The Dolphins ONLY GAVE UP A SECOND ROUNDER. This is so incredibly ridiculous and makes this thing worth it.

4. Jordan reminds me a lot of Giants pro bowl DE Jason Pierre-Paul, who the Dolphins pass on to trade down and draft Jared Odrick, who's only known for that weird Pee-wee Herman dance. A skinnier freak of nature that can sack the quarterback. Oh yeah, and he also reminds me of that guy called Jason Taylor, the Miami Dolphins legend and future Hall of Famer who people doubted because he was too small to play defensive end in the NFL. I'd say his career ended up OK.


So yeah, this is such a shocking move by the Dolphins and their love for being conservative and terrible. It does fit their pattern of liking fat dudes, though. But Jordan is very skinny for playing a fat dude position. So again, what the hell?

Stay tuned for the finality of the Brandon "Fat" Albert drama and what the Dolphins do with their other second round pick.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

New Miami Dolphins Unis Leaked

Not supposed to come out until tomorrow, the new Miami Dolphins uniforms have leaked accidentally during the reveal of the new Jacksonville Jaguars uniforms.


The most noticeable changes of the uniforms are the white facemask, the bold blue stripe without orange down the helmet, and a more blue stripe down the pant leg. And, of course, the new logo on the helmet. The new uniforms are sleek and more classic than the previous ones and look fairly, well, boring. Not to say that I don't like them. Better than that new logo where the dolphin looks like its trying to rename the phrase "doggy style."

In more exciting (or worrisome) news, the draft starts at 8:00pm tomorrow, Thursday, April 24th. Here's to the Phins not drafting a fat guy with the first pick!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Heat Steamroll Bucks in Game 1

Well, that was easy.

The Miami Heat said "Great, we're finally all playing together again" and then said "I really hate that Brandon Jennings guy" and then said "Oh and that Monta Ellis dude is pretty annoying too" and then "lol," before proceeding to nut-punch the Milwaukee Bucks into oblivion (but not that really crappy-looking Tom Cruise movie that just came out). As what usually happens when you pair one of the best teams of the past two decades with a sub-.500 team, the bench cleared on both sides with about 3 minutes left, with the Heat eventually winning 110-87.

I think the one question we need to ask ourselves here is this: what is a Lebron James and will another one ever come down to this Earth? The answer is probably not. Lebron went 9/11 from the field and ended up with 27 points, 10 rebounds, and 8 assists. He scored 27 points on 11 shots. 27 on 11 shots. 11 shots. Holy terminator.

Besides for Lebron James' inexplicable destruction, other players wearing all-white dominated the hapless Bucks. Chris "Birdman" Anderson went 4/4 from the field for 10 points and 7 rebounds in 16 minutes, including a monster dunk and alley-oop, earning himself a standing ovation when he was replaced by Chris Bosh in the 4th quarter. Ray Allen, the "traitor," in his first playoff game in a Heat uniform dropped 20 points and 5 rebounds, while Chris Bosh scored 15 with 3/4 shooting from the arc and Dwyane Wade had 16, 5 and 5.

A boring match-up was made incredibly fun by this record-breaking Heat squad, who have a flair for exciting plays as well as playing fundamentally sound basketball. And Lebron James is not from this planet.

Also, was anybody else mad that Jax interviewed Bosh post-game so we didn't get to see a Boshy photo-bomb on Lebron? Anybody? Ok.

Game two is Tuesday night at 7:30. Here is usually where I would give some keys for the Bucks to come back and make this a series, but let's be honest: this one is not going to be close. Ellis and Jennings actually played somewhat efficient basketball, as they only do versus the Heat, but Milwaukee just doesn't have enough offensive firepower or an answer for Lebron, Bosh, and Wade on defense to stand a chance. These next three games should just be an easy, enjoyable watch before the Nets/Bulls series for round 2.

Go get yourselves a freaking pastelito and celebrate Miami.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Heat Take Down Magic To End Regular Season -- First Playoff Game Sunday

And there you have it folks--the Miami Heat 2012-1013 Regular Season.

It was a beauty. After a slow start and complaints about defense and motivation, the Heat went ahead and blew through the regular season, doing things like winning 27 GAMES IN A ROW and kill Jason Terry. Lebron James had his most efficient and best year yet (yes, this a thing that is possible), and Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh also had one of their own most efficient years. Yay efficiency!

All in all this team transformed into a new beast, and a freaking-beautiful 66-16 record is what came from it. Coach Erik Spoelstra continued to tweak and morph the offense into a well-oiled, unstoppable scoring machine, and when the team cared enough to give two piles of rhinoceros dung to playing defense, they showed that they were one of the best in the league at that too.

The additions of Ray "Jesus Shuttlesworth" Allen (who gave us this) and Chris "Birdman" Anderson (who gave us this) proved to put the offense over the top, and going into the playoffs it's going to be hard to find any team, from the East or West, who can stop the defending champs, obviously better than last season. Usually you shouldn't put too much stock into a regular season, but when a team just completely and utterly vaporizes everybody in its path for 82 games, it's kinda hard not to put crazy huge expectations on it come playoff time. And honestly, there's no reason to believe that the Heat won't achieve the same success it did last season, and without the whole Pacers fiasco and a need for a Lebron Game Six, also known The Greatest Playoff Game Played By Anyone In, Like, Ever. 

So even with the 2013 playoffs upon us and a Game 1 Sunday against the hapless Milwaukee Bucks (who have that crazy guy named Brandon Jennings and that Monta Ellis guy that says he's as good as Dwyane Wade), it's hard not to miss this spectacular season already. The Lebron murder of poor Jason Terry (that prick), Ray Allen's 4-point play winner against Denver, the win streak, the destruction of OKC at Christmas, the Cleveland comeback, Lelbron#Horsetronaut. Night in and night out the Miami Heat gave us a show, and there was hardly ever a dull moment. Hell, even the last two weeks, where no one good ever played because of Coach Spo's "maintenance programs", was fun, if not only because watching your bottom 10 players beating full NBA teams is kinda fun. Oh yeah, and Norris Cole almost had a triple double.

So Heat Nation, rise up and get ready for what could be a real "Fo-fo-fo." Even if it's not, it's still gonna be fun.