The Season Continues

As I have done previously, I will recap this game in sections dividing my opinions on different subjects.

The Refs

Joey Crawford, I cannot think of a person on this Earth that I honestly hate more than I hate you. You are an abomination to this league, to this sport, and to this country. Whenever you make a call, I think about two things: this, and that line from Vince Vaughn in Dodgeball: "You're adopted. You're parents don't even love you." Both of those things, Joey, are true.

Joey, you are more of an attention whore than Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes' artificially fertilized same-sex relationship-child would be. You were banned from the league for a season and somehow still reinstated even though the Touchdown Seahawks call made more sense than each and every one of your calls make. You look like a seal high after having oral surgery. You see the same call twice and call it different ways. You see the same team that everybody thinks you will favor and you screw them for attention. You see the same kind of pizza roll in your fridge as you heated up and ate ten minutes ago and you still eat it (that's a fat joke, and, you're the worst). My dog drinking pool water instead of fresh water out of its bowl three feet away makes more sense than your no-calls on Tony Parker stiff arms. I understand string theory more than your "verticality" rules.

You watch Tony Parker flop in front of you after losing the basketball lazily and call a phantom foul a la Dwyane Wade 2006. You allow the entire Spurs team, coaching staff, fans, and city of San Antonio to each have a turn hacking Lebron James and Dwyane Wade each drive to the basket without calling as much as a shooting foul. You then let Manu Ginobli's Argentine ass shove an elbow into Lebron's face, merely calling a personal foul. Danny Green intentionally fouls on a Lebron breakaway and you don't call it. I hate you.

A Heat player decides to box out FOR ONCE IN THEIR USELESS LIVES while some idiotic Spurs player, probably French, jumps onto his back to retrieve it. You then call a foul on that Heat player when they phantom-foul the following shot.

You once threw Tim Duncan out of a game for smiling, something Lance Stephenson does while flicking you off and calling you a motherf***** while in the game and punching you (and his wife) in the face. You then give him every call for an entire playoff series. You are about as kind as that old neighbor in the Sandlot, before we find out that he's actually  really nice. You ruined an otherwise decently officiated NBA Finals. You are an attention whore.

You deserve nothing but this rant. Nothing. Not a job. Not presents on Christmas. Not grandkids. You are a disgrace to our sport and our society. Go away. Forever.


The Team

You are the biggest trolls of all time. You don't care whatsoever for three quarters before finally kinda trying in the fourth. Lebron, you play like toro mierda for nearly all of the game before turning it on in the fourth, only to turn the ball over twice at the end of game to apparently lose, a la Pacers series. Then Ray Allen hits the most incredible three pointer I've ever seen in my life, ever. Then Coach Spo inexplicably leaves in Dwyane Wade despite his obvious disadvantages to our offense AND defense AND Wade takes an iso shot at the end of the game. Then Ray Allen, of all people, forces a Manu turnover (granted, anybody could force a Manu turnover right now). Then we win. How again?

Chris Bosh, you won this game for us. Yes, the Lebron three. And then yes, the Ray three. Yes, Ray's defense. Yes, all of that. But Chris Bosh, the rebound to set up the game tying three, the box outs, the multiple blocks, first on Tony Parker and then on Danny Green's potentially game-tying three in overtime. Damn it man, I love you.

Do I think we'll win in the game I won't be able to see due to a mission trip to Mexico, also known by some as game 7? I don't think so, honestly. I'm not a believer in being able to flip the switch and all of a sudden care and try hard enough to win a championship. However, this is the Miami Heat. They are the biggest trolls of all time and love to win when you think they'll win it least. Honestly, who knows what will happen Thursday (I certainly don't, or won't)?

All I can say is: forget burning the boats, BURN THE DAMN HEADBAND.

Game Four: The Return Of The Big Three

Let's be honest here. The Miami Heat's Big Three of Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and Lebron James has been anything but "big" the past three games, and arguably at any point in this postseason. Regardless if you're on the side that says that Wade needs to be amnestied and Bosh needs to be traded or if you're on the side that was willing to wait things out, there was an air of doubt concerning the super trio of best friends and their collective domination of anuses. Well, if game 4 of this NBA Finals series was any indication, the Heatles are back, baby, and they're taking over America.

Rather than Heat role players carrying the load for Miami like they have all series (besides Lebron, minus game 3), the future Hall of Famers making 17+ million a year stepped it up big time in game 4, a resounding 109-93 victory for the Heat. Dwyane Wade finished with 32 points, 6 rebounds, 4 assists, and SIX STEALS (!!!!) on 56% shooting (which was much higher before Wade started throwing up low percentage shots for the hell of it once the game was in hand), Lebron James with 33 points, 11 rebounds, 4 assists, and 2 blocks on 60% shooting (!!!!), and Chris Bosh with 20 points, 13 rebounds, 2 steals, and 2 blocks on 57% shooting. This was a return, all around, to the small-ball Flying Death Machine obliteration the Heat had perfected for the past two seasons, while also proving that this NBA Finals match-up against the San Antonio Spurs is a back-and-forth, most likely 7 game marathon with plenty of ups-and-downs and an ignorance of jumping to conclusions after a single game.

Wade looked as close to 2006 as he can get, if he wasn't there, slashing to the hoop, hitting 18 foot J's, and dishing out dirty, sneaky assists to open teammates in a return to glory despite being chastised for his sub-par, injured play for most of the postseason. Wade looked active on the defensive end as well, closing out on three-point attempts with aggression and collecting SIX Spurs turnovers. It was a classic and memorable night for our favorite MV3, and will go down in his Hall of Fame history, especially if the Heat win this series.

Lebron, despite being chastised for a horrible game 3 by national media and creating excited whispers about the 2011 Finals, came out with a vengeance, scoring from everywhere on the court, grabbing rebounds, setting up teammates, and playing lock-down defense on just about everybody. It was a normal, yet amazing, King James performance in one of the most needed times of the playoffs. But he's not clutch or anything, and Popovich had figured him out. Right.

Boshua Bear also had himself a great night, knocking down jumpers for the first time in FOREVER and playing great defense on Tim Duncan often throughout the night. Christopher was also a beast down low for the first time in REALLY FOREVER, grabbing 13 boards and taking the ball to the rim frequently without regard for anybody.

The supporting cast also played well (Mario Chalmers was 2/3 from the arc and Ray Allen contributed 14 solid points), but this night was all about the Big Three, the Three Kings, the Heatles, the Triad, the Bestfriends of Awesomeness. This is what the Heat was built for, and whatever Bosh and Wade did before the game they better do in three days time, and two days after that. The series is now a best-of-three with two of those games in Miami. That, my friends, is called home court advantage. That, my friends, is called advantage: Miami.

Chris "Birdman" Andersen did not check into the game for the first time in these NBA playoffs, in a surprising but solid move by Coach Erik Spoelstra. Udonis "The Mayor" Haslem and Bosh have both been playing better defense on Tim Duncan and Tiago Splitter (well, everybody plays good defense on Tiago Splitter) than Birdman has this series, and the Bird's contributions on offense have dropped since the Pacers' series. Spo also made a great adjustment on defense in putting an emphasis on the Spurs' ridiculously inexplicable three-point shooting barrage, which the Heat were able to control in game 4 to a point where it did not keep the Spurs into the game, which was being dominated by Miami from start to finish. All around it was a great showing despite Danny Green's continued domination from the arc and Gary Neal's continued lucky streak from the arc. Also, Tiago Splitter is becoming a nationwide joke, which is awesome.

If Miami, specifically the Big Three, plays like they did in the next two games, this series is over. But if this one has taught us anything it's that one game does not predict the next, and anything can happen in the next three. But one thing is for sure: despite home court advantage, the Heat have to win two in a row at some point to win the series, either Sunday or Tuesday and Thursday, something they haven't done since the Bulls series. It's going to be a wild run, and a fun one at that. So let's go Miami, #FoW.

Heat Take Down The Spurs In Game 2

Despite the world ending, the breakup of the Big Three, and the uber-savvy veteran and perfect San Antonio Spurs, the Miami Heat won game 2 of the NBA Finals Sunday night 103-84, tying the series up at 1-1 before it heads to Texas.

While the Spurs only committed 4 turnovers, were the most "poised," "calm," and other words that describe golfers team ever, and had the greatest coach of all-time for three days, the Heat sat huddled in the shadows, quiet, mentally preparing for the battle ahead. For they new that despite what ESPN might have to say, only a battle was lost on Thursday, and a small one at that. There was still a war to be fought.

And boy was it fought. Even though through three quarters King Of The World "El Cobra Pinga" Lebron James played like I do in pick-up ball against kids my own age (I'm Kobe Bryant and Wilt Chamberlain rolled into one when I play younger opponents, mind you), the Heat rarely, if ever, trailed in this game, with sharp three-point shooting, stout defense, and the great ball movement that marked this team's 27 game win streak offense. It was an all-around team effort to keep the Spurs in check, even while the kings of the decade were shooting an absurd percentage from the arc, Danny Green and his 5 three pointers included. Mario Chalmers, Ray Allen, Mike Miller, Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Andersen were all highly efficient from the floor, and a Coach Spoelstra (gasp!) tactical change to switch on nearly all screens flummoxed the "savvy" Spurs, holding San Antonio to a 41% shooting percentage despite their 50% shooting from downtown.

And then, around that time when the defending champs faltered in game one, a magical moment of unicorns and rainbows dispersed down onto the court of the American Airlines Arena; a 33-5 run that was the run of all runs, the run that saved the series and made Greg Popovich make this face more than he usually does. Chalmers started it, but everyone contributed, and eventually Lebron James remembered that he was the best player in the world again (he probably never forgot) and began hitting daggers from 18 feet and tough layups from all over. Then, something happened that hasn't been seen since 3/18/2013.

For some reason, earlier in the fourth quarter, Tiago Splitter received a dish off of a pick-and-roll and thought he had enough offensive talent to drive to the rim and dunk it, even though the King himself, Lebron James, was standing right underneath the basket. Predictably, Splitter's attempt did not go through the basket. Unpredictably (at this point it should almost become predictable despite its shear improbability), Lebron, as Heat beat writer Ethan Skolnick so eloquently put it, altered poor Tiago's life. The block even received mention on Twitter from Roy Hibbert, who apparently is trying to get in the good graces of Miami fans for some reason. But I digress.

Anyway, after the life-altering incident (hard to say it was life-ending like Jason Terry's moment, RIP), it was all Heat from there, with that smug little bastard Popovich putting in the subs with 7 minutes left. Hey, maybe Marc Stein will write an article on how poised and veteran-savvy this Miami Heat team is, older on average than the Spurs and all. It'll probably include "Cleveland" and "Lebron James" in it somehow, but oh well, you can't win them all.

So despite all of the dramatic and depressing hoopla after game 1, the series is tied 1-1 and is either team's to win. We now head to San Antonio for three long games. If the Heat can snatch two, the series is over. But if they only take 1 of them (the minimum to even return to Miami), I still like Miami's chances. And who knows, maybe we'll take all three, as recent history would suggest.

No meme for y'all today. Enjoy this moment below instead:

Heat Go Down In Game 1

Everything seemed right for the Heat for the first three quarters. Miami's offense ran as if the team was in mid-win streak form, Dwyane Wade looked like it was 2006, Ray Allen and Mike Miller were firing and making from everywhere, and Chris Bosh was hitting 18-foot jumpers like her was throwing a nerf football into a swimming pool. And then, the fourth quarter happened.

I won't get into it, mostly because ESPN is beating the thing to death. Everyone again is saying Wade is too old for getting tired at the end, that Lebron needs to take over more (some reporter at the presser today asked him if he needs to go back to his "Cleveland days"--are you freaking kidding me, again?), that Tony Parker and Tim Duncan are too good, that the Spurs are smarter and better executors, blah blah blah blah blah. Basically, someone at ESPN (gasp!), Andrew McNeill from 48 Minutes From Hell, put it best: "Had a couple of plays gone the other way, we'd be talking about whether Parker and Tim Duncan need more help. It was that close a game."

Yes, the Heat played a pretty putrid 4th quarter and despite Lebron's pretty incredible 18, 18, and 10 triple-double, El Cobra Pinga could have scored more. And alas, Tony Parker's French ass hit some ridiculous Harlem Globetrotter's-worthy bank shot near the end of the game to seal it, and Chris Bosh missed a three he'd been making all postseason, and here we all are talking about Wade's amnesty again.

Yes, the Heat need to finish possessions (the Spurs had 21 second-chance points, on, you've heard if you've watched ESPN, on 6 offensive rebounds), guard the arc better, and have the same drive and energy at the end of the game in game 2 and the rest of the series if they hope to win a second consecutive championship. We are all aware, or maybe we're not, that the Heat are 9-1 in series in the Big Three era when losing the first game. They lost the first game against the favorites OKC last season before sweeping their corn-fed asses. So there is absolutely zero juice in the panic meter right now. In the concern meter? Possibly. But the panic meter is about as empty as Charles' Barkley's bank account after a trip to Vegas. 

The next game is Sunday smack-dab in the middle of the Game of Thrones finale. So TIVO it (or realize that if you subscribe to HBO you get HBOGO for free and it's on there immediately after it airs) and get your good vibes ready to split this home opening of these NBA Finals. This one is most likely going the distance, but if Lebron takes over and Coach Spoelstra makes some savvy adjustments, this honestly might be over in 5 or 6. I'm not predicting this at all, but just saying Miami has the talent. 

Prayers to those who can't avoid ESPN or Twitter before Sunday. We are with you, fellow Heat fan. 

Heat-Spurs NBA Finals Preview

Well here we are Heat Nation. The Boats have burned, and we have reached the stage we've all waited for:  the NBA Finals. It's the Miami Heat's third and as many years, coming off of a dramatic seven game series against the hated Indiana Pacers, and the team is looking to win back-to-back titles for the first time in franchise history. The opponent: the San Antonio Spurs, looking for their fifth title in the Popovich, Duncan, Parker, and Ginobli era. The Spurs are old but good, and the Heat are the Heat, and here are some things you should look out for with regards to the match-up and the fan experience.

The Game

1. The Spurs are big, but not as big as the Pacers. Tim Duncan is probably the best power forward in the history of the game and a future Hall of Famer, while Spaniard Thiago Splitter anchors the center position in the front court. Compared to the likes of the Heat's front court, the Spurs' big men are physical and talented, but at least not as physical as Roy Hibbert and David West were. The Heat should honestly be able to handle Splitter, and even Duncan to some degree defensively, but look for the tall duo to give Miami some fits protecting the rim. Again, the notorious "verticality" BS should not come into play as it did for Roy Hibbert, but even with Lebron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, and Mario Chalmers driving to the hoop sans Hibbert, Duncan and Splitter are capable enough defenders to not get blown away.

2. Danny Green and Kawhi Leonard are the Spurs' key wing players not named Manu Ginobli, and the key for Miami will be to guard the 3-pt line well enough to force Leonard and Green to create their own shots. Leonard really only has a corner-3 that is consistent enough to worry about, but Green and the white toast ginger Matt Bonner can pop treys from anywhere on the arc, especially after catching a pass from Spurs point guard Tony Parker. Leonard will also have the task of defending Lebron James, which should be an interesting match-up. Leonard is a good defender with an ungodly wingspan, but Lebron James is Lebron James, and don't look for El Cobra Pinga to be slowed down by anybody.

3. The Spurs' Big Three vs. the Heat's Big Three. Duncan, Parker, and Ginobli have been together for a decade and have won four championships together. They are the modern day standard for a dynasty and a team core, something that the Heat look to emulate and even become more legendary. I, unlike the numb-nuts over at ESPN that try to make you think the Heat will lose every game, think the Heat are a deeper team than the Spurs on paper, and I also think that when it comes to tip-off most of the team's slumps will be history. So the true problems for Miami will come when their trio of superstars faces the Spurs', especially Tony Parker. Parker, no doubt, will be brilliant--he averaged 20 points on 52% shooting and 8 assists per game in the regular season with a high PER of 23.1, and has averaged 23 and 7 in these playoffs. Parker is a top 3 point guard in the league and is definitely its most underrated. The Spurs' offense is deadly in the Duncan-Parker pick-and-roll, and Parker is one of the best at making the decision whether to drive and score or drive and dish. I honestly believe Parker will be nearly uncontrollable in this series, even for the astute Heat defense. However, the Heat have some dude named Lebron James, who is better at nearly everything Parker does, unbelievably, so this is a wash, or even a Heat advantage. Manu Ginobli is old, and his minutes are controlled in the days that he can no longer contribute as a Hall of Fame wing player. Dwyane Wade is also old, although not nearly as old, and worn, but if game 7 was any indication, MV3 should treat this series as one that merits a decent amount of effort and energy. Look for that comparison to go the Heat's way as well. The big kicker will be the Spurs' most important cog in their trio, Tim Duncan. Chris Bosh has been in a horrible slump since the Bulls series, and even looked weak and afraid at most other points in the contest. Even though the slump is still raging, Bosh raged a different kind of rage, a dinosaur rage, in game 7, pulling down 8 rebounds and playing stymieing defense. Even if Bosh's shooting slump doesn't recover, slump recoveries from Ray Allen, Shane Battier, and Mike Miller should cover for Chris offensively, and the match-ups in this series suggest Bosh shouldn't face as big a problem on the boards and defensively as he did with the Pacers. However, Tim Duncan, as previously stated, is amazing, and has a leg up over the All-Star Bosh. Duncan has a wide-array of post moves, a great 18 footer, and plays incredible defense, and should play slightly better than any Heat player down low, even in his older age. But, in my opinion, if the Spurs hope to win this series, Duncan will have to play transcendentally, not just good or even great. Like, 25 and 11 transcendent. Look for this.

4. Greg Popovich vs. Erik Spoelstra. We all know Spo is a good coach, and maybe a great coach. But Popovich is one of the best of all time. If you win 4 championships with the most underrated roster in history, you're a damn good coach. I would like to think this is a wash in this series, however, as Spo is excellent at making in-game and in-series adjustments that tailor to the Heat's talents and struggles. Pop is also excellent at this, and his offensive and defensive schemes are sneaky, tactical, and brilliant. Look for both teams to be extremely well prepared and the series to play out like a weirdly intense game of chess.

The Fans

1. The Spurs aren't like the Bucks, Bulls, or Pacers. They don't really have any players that are cocky bastards, smoke a ton of pot and act like assholes, beat their wives, look like Beaker, are mean, or say "no homo" to the media. I mean, Tony Parker is kinda dumb or dumping Eva Longoria. Tim Duncan is...boring? Gibobli has a funny bald spot. Yeah, let's go with that.

2. We don't know much about Spurs fans because there's not many of them and they don't talk much. They are from Texas, though, so they have to be annoying. Plus, the ENTIRE NATION will be Spurs fans in this series, so we can hate them. Yeah, let's hate America on this one.

3. Greg Popovich is a legend, classy, and kinda cool. He's a jerk to the media sometimes, but that's kinda an admirable thing. He makes a scowl  that makes you think he hates children. So there's that. Yeah, he looks really angry and mean. I hate him!

4. All in all not much wrong with this team. They're actually pretty enjoyable, like the Thunder minus Westbrook and Perkins. So there won't be too many personal attacks when you're yelling at your TV screens. So let's just stick to hating the media, twitter, and Reggie Miller on this one, OK?


My Prediction: Heat in 5. But only cause if this thing goes six I'll have to miss it thanks to a mission trip to Mexico. Ruh-roh.

Game 1 is TONIGHT at 9:00pm. LET'S GO HEAT

The Boats Have Burned--And The Heat Are Onto The Finals

You know what, Dwyane Wade is done. The Heat need to amnesty him, get rid of his contract and his play; his knee is gone, he's old, he's a dirty player, and he needs to go. And Bosh? Bosh should be traded. Does CHRIS BOSH deserve 17 mill a year for this? He's not good at all. Ray Allen is done. Can't hit a three. He's basically dead. And he wants to opt-out and end his career in Boston anyway. He sucks, what a waste and a traitor. Lebron's going to Cleveland after next season anyway so what does it matter? He wants nothing to do with this disappointment of a team. Coach Spoelstra? Gone. He sucks, useless. Who could possibly think that small ball would work? Who? Ship him back to whatever country he came from and put Pat Riley back in there, even though he's been collecting social security for 15 years. It's over.

What? Oh--wait--the Heat won? They beat the Indiana Pacers in game 7? But the Pacers were bigger and taller and cared more! They were clearly the better team and ruled the boards. The beat the heat 5 of the last 9 matchups! What? You mean Chris Bosh grabbed 8 rebounds? Dwyane Wade scored 21 points and grabbed 9 boards, including 5 offensive rebounds? Ray Allen went 3-6 for 10 points, hitting his first three three-pointers? The Heat forced 21 turnovers and out-rebounded the Pacers 43-36? What?

Guys, you hear that? You hear that silence? That silence is the sound of Bill Simmons. That's Brian Windhorst over there. Pacers radio broadcasters and Reggie Miller, Steve Kerr, and Marv Albert? There over there, yep. Colin Cowherd has situated himself down in that corner. ESPN actually has there own space there, and Twitter is right in the center here. It's quiet, isn't it? The haters have gone, haven't they? Those calling for the break-up of the Big Three and the ending of Dwyane Wade's career have no words right now, none. And oh is that silence sweet.

The Miami Heat not only silenced the critics by taking game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals, they destroyed with fire and ice the collective anus' of the Indiana Pacers, winning 99-76 in a game that was much less closer than that. The Pacers and their fans now only have images of their own team's death in their minds alongside the deaths of the majority of the Stark family, killed only the night before at a wedding. For some reason, this song permeates their brains.

Dwyane Wade silenced all critics, including kinda me, by going 7-16 from the field and being an animal all of the court, going after lose balls, grabbing rebounds on both ends, forcing turnovers, and doing that thing he's done for ten seasons where he puts this little orange ball into a round hoop. Why do we doubt you, MV3? Why do we say you are old and broken and selfish? Why do we call for you to go away forever? Why? When all you've ever done is give us some of the most memorable sports experiences ever. You know what y'all, I think Dwyane has earned himself a pass. A pass forever, earned in fact a long time ago. No more, ever, will this blog call Dwyane any of these bad things or call for him to produce more. Never will I ask for him to leave this team, play less, shoot less, or care more. Because when it matters, when it truly matters, Wade has never shrunk. EVER. And that's why he is MV3. And that's why he is our hero.

The Heat played tonight as they did during the 27-game win streak, when there was no mercy and towns were pillaged and burned to the ground just so these twelve men could do as they please in a game of basketball. And this game, for a moment, for the first time in awhile, it came back. If the Heat played this like from game 1 on, this series would have been over in 5 or 6. But why do we worry? Why do we fear? This Heat team has Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, and the 4-time MVP Lebron Freaking James. And we doubt. We are stupid. And we are not worthy.

Lebron went 32, 8, and 4 in this game, shooting 8-17 and 15-16 from the charity stripe. He's averaged 33.8 points in game sevens in his career, the most in history, even more than Michael Jordan (he's still not clutch, though, right?) .Yep. So yeah. He's the king.

In all objectivity, this series was annoying but also played very well by the Pacers. They're a good, young team who's quite literally designed to take down this Heat team. Thank God, they didn't. No more do we have to deal with Lance Stephenson and his punk-ass talking crap or blowing in our MVP's ear. No more do we have to see stupid David West facial expressions. No more Beaker. No more verticality (WHICH ISN'T EVEN A WORD) and superstar calls for some dude that averaged 12 and 9 this season. It's over. It's done. And we are still the champions, for now.

Next up is the San Antonio Spurs, the legendary dynasty led by Greg Popovich and their own, aging Big Three of Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobli. Miami actually matches up better with the Spurs than they did in this series, and if this aggressiveness and ass-kicking shown in game 7 continues into the Finals, then you might just see a repeat of last year's finals. But even if it goes 7, even if the Heat were down and faced multiple eliminations, even if all looks lost--can you honestly doubt that this team will get it done?

There's a Game 7 A-brewin'...and it's Time to BURN THE BOATS

Here we go people. In about 3 hours the beloved by few and hated by most, the most polarizing and talked-about team in the history of basketball, if not the history of sports, the team that causes Bill Simmons to flip back and forth between opinions like a politician in November, the Miami Heat will face off down at Bayside against the Indiana Pacers in a Game 7 for the ages. A win means a third straight trip to the NBA Finals and a chance at continuing the team's run at history. A loss means 12 months of Simmons, Brian Windhorst, and Twitter saying the most incoherently idiotic things about basketball and the Heat ever deemed imaginable. A loss means Wade's amnesty, guys. Bosh's trade. Lebron's bolting to the 24-58 Cleveland Cavaliers. Coach Spo's firing. The burning down of the city of Miami.

But a win shuts everybody up and gives us cause to celebrate. And that alone makes this worth it. That makes this one of the most sweat-inducing games in the reign of the Big Three. Will we get a Dwyane wade 40 point game or another The Game Six? Will Chris Bosh put his big boy pants on and play like I do against kids half my age in pool basketball? In ~three hours, we will find out.

Dan LeBatard wrote this wonderful article about tonight that you should read immediately. In it, he tells the story that is passed around the Heat brass from time to time from Pat Riley. It's the story of war, an army spends years building boats in preparation for battle. On the day of the battle they wash up on shore, ready to fight. The commander than commands his soldiers to burn all of the boats they had spent years building. A solider walks up to him and asks: “But why?” “We will have no escape if things get bad.”

“Exactly,” the general replied. “You win or you die.”

It's win or die tonight folks. It's win a game, or face utter destruction. Everyone wants us to lose tonight. ESPN, on their website, said this game will result in a "dethroning," or, if the Heat win, a "survival." Yes, this is considered by many to be objective journalism. But who cares. It's game seven. FOW MIAMI, FOW. 

Note: there's Urban Dictionary for those who don't know the acronym FoW

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/06/03/3429738_p2/dan-le-batard-oh-how-we-love-the.html#storylink=cpy

Heat Lose Game 6

I don't want to right a recap because the NBA doesn't deserve one. Neither do the Heat, the so-called best team in the universe or history or whatever that don't care. Wade's hurt. That's fine, I don't expect him to be great right now. I feel you Wade. But Bosh doesn't care. Ray Allen doesn't care. Lebron is frustrated. The team is lethargic. They don't want it. And it sucks.

The Warden, Joel Anthony, came in and played big minutes for the Heat and played well following the suspension of The Birdman. Coach Spo continued to troll this fanbase by finally putting in Mike Miller, who quickly hit two threes to pull Miami within 7 only to squander the lead again. The refs called a horrible game, topped off yet again near the end of the game when Lebron was called for a charge on Roy Hibbert, who hit him in the face and was also in the restricted area. Then, Lebron did was NBA players do all of the time without repercussion, and something that Pacer Tyler Hansbrough did earlier in the season, and ran down the court in frustration to his basket. He was then called for a technical.

I don't know any more guys. This team is playing poorly this series. Yes, injuries and match-up problems have lent this to be a close tie between the two teams, but the Heat just haven't cared this postseason much besides for a couple games in Chicago and it's led to a Game 7 against a team that won 17 less games this season. The officiating, especially in two games in particular, has been absolutely horrendous and has made these past 6 games annoying to watch. Basketball is not fun anymore, and not just because of the Heat's poor play. It's Reggie Miller and Steve Kerr's biased and unqualified reporting. It's Tony Brothers and Ed Malloy and Joey Crawford getting hardly any calls right and totally giving foul immunity to 7 foot 2 inch Roy Hibbert. It's the media jumping ship after every game, calling a Heat-Spurs finals before Game 4 and preaching impending doom after every Heat loss. It's bad guys. It's real bad. And it's not going to get better unless we make the Finals, and even then it's not a promise.

Game 7 is Monday. I will 99% watch it. But as I've tweeted, there's a possibility I won't. This isn't a fun series, this isn't basketball, and this isn't the Heat team or the total NBA brand package we've put our faith in. This is an utter waste of my time.

Also, this:

#WeareallLeBronsprintingdownthecourtinanger
— Chris Joseph (@byChrisJoseph) June 2, 2013

Heat Take Game 5 Of ECF, Or UD AWESOMENESS

I said I would either be doing two things after this game: eating banana bread to celebrate a win and a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference Finals against the Pacers, or eating banana bread to drown my sorrows after a loss. And no, while eating banana bread would usually be a euphemism for something else in this situation, I am quite actually eating banana bread right now and it's freaking awesome.

For the first half, the Miami Heat played much like they did in the last game, which would have either earned them another epic rant post  or a complete shut down of this blog due to my anger. Let's be honest, nobody would want this. This is not something that we look forward to or desire. Despite this fact, the Heat played like the the heaping sack of rhinoceros feces that they love to emulate from time to time for the entirety of the first half, even after The Birdman, Chris Andersen, brought some energy into the American Airlines Arena in the second quarter by lowering his shoulder Adrian Peterson-style into Beaker, earning him a flagrant foul, while a minute later blocking a Hansbrough shot. Still, after all of this awesomeness, James, Wade, and Bosh continued to take idiotic jump shots over Lancer Stephenson the Wife Beater and refusing to put a body on Roy Hibbert and David West to grab a rebound, for the damn freaking life of me. 

But then, something happened. According to lore (or a Udonis Haslem interview after the game), resident Heat hustla Juwan Howard said some choice words at high decibels while throwing things in the locker room to the team at halftime. Then, once the Heat got onto the floor to start the third quarter, Lebron James visibly said some more choice words at higher decibels from the bench. And then, asspounding happened.

Immediately, we saw a new team. The quarter started off with a D-Wade trip to the line, a Lebron James layup, a Udonis Haslem layup, a Udonis Haslem thundering one-handed slam, and then a Lebron James dunk. A 9-4 run, followed by a brilliant display of no-shits-given domination by The Flying Death Machine and, you guessed it, The Mayor of Miami Udonis Haslem. The Mayor had no regard for anything anybody had to say about anything, going 8-9 from the floor for 16 points and carrying the Heat against the pathetically offensively inept Pacers with the King himself. Haslem went vintage a la Game 3 of this series, hitting the deep baseline jumper from the left over and over and over again until the Pacers finally realized what was happening before giving up the shot again. UD ain't even care that his fellow teammates Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh have decided to approach this series as they would a London tea party with their 5 year old daughter. Including a fight with David West that earned him a technical but also saw a representation of, shall we say, a "pop of your face" with his fingers, Haslem decided to take it to the Pacers like Rambo would  the Viet Cong. 

And let's not forget about James. Even though the King largely refused to take it to the rim, his stroke from deep was something to be revered, as he rained it down from all rangers on the floor. 30, 8, and 6 is an amazing yet normal stat line for Lebron, but even the biggest hater couldn't deny his dominance in this basketball game, especially since he literally has had zero help this entire series apart from two amazingly efficient games from 2-time champ UD. Lebron has single-handedly carried this series on his shoulders, and even though he did not have the game I called for in my Game 4 rant recap, he did enough to dominate the Pacers in the second half and easily win this game.

Game 5 saw a reversion back to the norm for both teams; the Pacers became a painfully inefficient offensive basketball team outside of Paul George, and the Heat became a highly efficient, pace and space offense that drove to the hoop and kicked out for three. Mario Chalmers, of all freaking people, has also been a huge boost for Miami, as his high-energy and fearless driving to the rim has been a welcome sight in the wake of the Disappearance of Dwyane Wade. But I am not bold enough to predict a win in 6 for this Heat team still not playing with the fire that it should be this late in the season. We have only seen three halves of 27-game win streak basketball from Miami this series, and unlike the first two series, this team has not bounced back from a shot against its opponents to dominate and finish. The Pacer's inside presence and lack of support from Bosh and Wade spells 7 games for his tie, even if the Heat should win at home at the end. But unless Lebron can perform another Game Six and destroy the Pacers in Indiana, The Disappearance is just too big for this Heat team to overcome. And Chris Bosh, what the hell man?

Game 6 is Saturday at 8:30. I will be sweating ballsacks in my living room biting my nails down to a point where you no longer need bamboo, and I don't want to talk to you during it. Good night and good luck, Miami. 

Also, I freaking love Juwan Howard. 

EDIT: Best comment I've heard about this game: "Bosh & Wade are being carried harder than Bran Stark." Boom.

Heat Lose Game 4 Because, You Know, Reasons [Rant]

The Miami Heat lost game 4 to the Indiana Pacers tonight. Here is what I am currently thinking about this in words:

First off, I want to say that while I'm not too hot on David West, I actually don't mind the Pacers. One side of my family is from Indiana, and I appreciate them and their sports. Their team; I won't complain about them. They are, for the most part, pretty cool dudes. But HOLY SCHEIßE is Lance Stephenson the freaking demonic spawn of Ted Bundy and Amanda Bynes. This dude is not a normal functioning human being. First of all, he is horrible at the sport of basketball. Besides for a few good shots in tonight’s game, Stephenson has been largely inefficient and stupid, not to mention is horrible sportsmanship and general douchebaggery. First, he has the worst flop I have ever seen in my entire life (in a stadium that chants “beat the floppers” and other dumb, incoherent, inbred things) whilst guarding Ray Allen, not even following contact. Then, he intentionally stomps on Lebron James’ foot while the two are at the free throw line. When the refs did not catch it, Lebron goes to point it out to them. On his return, Stephenson, staring at The King the entire time, then proceeds to blow into his ear. LANCE STEPHENSON BLEW RANCID, DISEASED AIR PARTICLES INTO OUR SAVIOR’S EARLOBE. What the hell is this? Does he plan on the little demon critters hibernating in his saliva to cultivate a colony inside of our Greatness’ ear, only to spawn more Stephenson babies to end all of humanity as we know it? Or does he seriously belong in an asylum removed from society (I personally believe this to be necessary). Seriously, get this guy out of basketball. HE FREAKING THREW HIS WIFE DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS DAMMIT.

Ok, now onto that pathetic excuse for human life Joey Crawford. Seriously, Crawford makes Tim Donaghy look like that black dude in the NFL that everybody respects as an official (bad joke, but I’m clearly upset here). Crawford, that Dr. Evil-looking piece of elephant dung that is somehow, FOR SOME REASON, still employed by the freaking National Basketball Association, and single-handedly made this game not about the players who play it, but the dingbat numb-nuts who run around in clown costumes trying to control it. I hate talking about refs. They have one of the hardest jobs in sports and 99% of the time stay out of the way of the game. But when collectively the entire group of NBA officials come into a series with an attempt to “contain” it, or keep it “under control,” whatever the hell that means, because they can’t be grown men enough to sack up and keep ten grown men at a time from beating each other to a pulp (the Heat would win by the way, we have Udonis and Juwan Howard), and call ticky-tac fouls all series because they think every little bit of contact will cause a full-on Pistons-Pacers brawl, then we have ourselves a bit of a FREAKING PROBLEM. Seriously, the officiating has been bad, on both sides of the coin, the entire series. Not one 120 second span has seen itself a set of calls that I have agreed with, or anybody else with SIX LOBES OF A BRAIN and THE AMOUNT OF BASKETALL KNOWLEDGE THAT KHLOE KARDASHIAN HAS. BUT, on top of it all, you see a no-call on a hack on Mario Chalmers with two minutes left in the game, a foul-out for LEBRON THE FREAKING ALMIGHTY JAMES for a GODDAMN MOVING SCREEN that Roy Hibbert does EVERY SINGLE SCREEN HE CREATES with 50 seconds left in the game, and then a TRAVEL CALL ON DWYANE WADE IN A MOVE HE DOES TWICE A POSSESSION AND A MOVE EVERY SINGLE NBA PLAYER BESIDES FOR LANCE STEPHENSON IS CAPABLE OF DOING AND DOES. Like, wat? Are you kidding me? Really? There’s a point where you can’t win a basketball game because of calls made against you. That happened tonight. Also, those calls were wrong. So that’s why we yell and write in all caps.

But on top of it all, you know what gets to me the most? 14-39. FOURTEEN FOR THIRTY NINE. You know what that is? That’s 36%. That is the 36% that is attributed to the shooting percentage of the three players that are making a combined 52 MILLION DOLLARS THIS SEASON. Seriously, if you call yourselves the Big Three, The Heatles, The Friends Who All Came To South Beach To Play Basketball Together, or whatever, then you can muster more than 36% from the field in a GAME FOUR OF AN EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS, right? Right? 52 million dollars. My ass. I could wipe my ass with 52 million dollars and it would be put to a greater use than what James, Wade, and Chris Bosh did tonight. You gotta be freaking kidding. Lebron I can see—he played well despite shooting 8-18. If he didn’t get that BS moving screen foul and foul out, we probably would have won this game, despite how poorly this team played. Dwyane Wade I can maybe understand. Take a few less shots please, but I can see why you can only play explosive in spurts, with that bum knee and all. But…Chris. Chris? HEY RAPTOR, I’M LOOKING AT YOU. You are 6 feet freaking 11 inches tall and you’ve grabbed about one and a half FREAKING rebounds this series. If I was 6’1’’ I would WILT CHAMBERLAIN all over the freaking Tropical Park basketball court on my way to freaking pick-up in Harlem. With your athletic ability and dinosaur blood, you should be PULLING DOWN 15 A GAME. 15. We are in the freaking playoffs people! What in the freaking hell don’t you understand? You mean to tell me you’re going to play like my 70 year old grandmother in GAME FOUR and shoot 1-6 from the field and THREE REBOUNDS? THREE REBOUNDS? I can get three rebounds with one leg high on freaking heroin. I’m 6 foot flat. My 72 inches could punch Hibbert in the nuts and jump over George Hill’s gargantuan shoulders to grab 3 rebounds in a 48 minute basketball game.

And role players—don’t think you’re getting off the hook. Shane Battier—why are you still in this game? You couldn’t guard David West with a riot shield, so when you’re three point shot isn’t hitting, what is your use? At all? For how smart and as much as a team play as you supposedly are, why aren’t you taking yourself off the court? Or at least passing up every shot opportunity? Go away bro. I always knew I hated Dukies. And Ray Allen. Bro. You’re 37 years old. AND I DON’T GIVE A DAMN. You’re a future Hall of Famer and the greatest 3 ball shooter IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME. We don’t like you Ray. We hate you. You’re a Celtic and always will be. So if you’re going to come to this team, THEN FREAKING MAKE YOUR GODDAMN THREE POINT FIELD GOALS. We will accept your presence, and all you have to do is DO WHAT YOU’VE DONE FOR 16 STINKIN SEASONS. Holy Moses. And don’t pull no age card with me. Tim Duncan is the same age and he can still put Joey Crawford’s oversized head into a basket half as wide from 18 feet. Jesus.

Lebron James—I’m calling you out right now. This team doesn’t give two damns right now. They’re cocky bastards who feel entitled because they’ve won ONE FREAKING CHAMPIONSHIP. Udonis has won TWICE AS MANY AS ALL OF YOU (besides DWade) and still plays his freaking ass off for this damn team. Dwyane has done more for this city in the sports world than anybody not named God’s Right Arm or Don Shula, but he’s about useless now. It’s up to YOU sir. No more pussyfooting around. No more 24 points on 8-18 shooting. No more 6 rebounds and 5 assists. I’m tired of admiring your greatness. It gets boring. I want to see a Celtics Game Six from you, right now. Not while we’re facing elimination, not when there’s nothing left. I want to see you pull it out of thin air, right now. Make Game 6 obsolete. Cut Game 7 off the schedule. End this God-forsaken series Thursday night, in Miami, so hard that all of the tractors in Indiana will stop working like its freaking War of the Worlds and Indiana is all naming their inbred babies after your because you are their uncle (which would also make you their father, incidentally). Stop taking this crap, take the ball from everybody, and cockslam the Pacers and goddamn Lance Stephenson so they can’t breathe no more. End this misery so I don’t have to think about Tony Freaking Parker sipping Mai Tais on the beach right now waiting for your ass to finish this. I don’t care anymore. Shoot 45% like Carmelo Freaking Anthony. Be an idiot like Russell Freaking Westbrook. Just drop 45 15 and 10 and win this freaking series. I hate this shit.

Stupid-ass Game Five is in Miami Thursday night at 8:30. I don’t want to watch it with any of you. I want to spew in my dark cell and judge the hell out of Lebron until he wins me another freaking championship.

Heat Take Game 3 In Indiana

After two close, tough match-ups, the Miami Heat took a commanding 2-1 series lead against the Indiana Pacers tonight, winning 114-96.

When asked the difference between this game and the last two, Dwyane Wade commented, "Udonis Haslem, for one." This was true. The future Mayor of Miami went 8-9 from the field for 17 points and 7 rebounds, providing a resounding spark for the stagnant supporting cast of this Heat team. Four other players, Lebron James, Chris Bosh, Mario Chalmers, and Wade, scored in double figures, and Chris Andersen provided 9 and continued his perfect FG% for the series. The Birdman has gone 35-41 (85%) in the playoffs.

Lance Stephenson, Tyler Hansbrough, and Roy Hibbert continued to do their best to be the most annoying Pacers on the planet, while Paul George struggled from the field and on defense against Lebron as the Pacers faltered early and often in the game. The Heat dominated from start to finish, scoring a team postseason record 70 points in the first half.

All in all the Heat proved that they are the more dominant and talented team, and solved the free throw shooting, three point shooting, and turnover problems of the first two games to easily handle the Danny Granger-less Pacers. Honestly, if the Heat play to their potential like they nearly did tonight, Indiana is just not talented enough without Granger to stand a chance, as they did in last year's quarterfinals.

The next game is Tuesday at 8:30, the second in Indiana. My prediction for the rest of the series: either a close win Tuesday for a 5 game series, or a close loss Tuesday followed by a wins in Miami and Indiana for the Heat for a 6 game series. Bank it.

2013 Eastern Conference Semifinals PREVIEW: Heat v Pacers

Sorry for not keeping up with this blog as of late. Finals, family vacation, and irrepressibly boring playoff series got in the way. BUT WE'RE BACK BABY.

To recap the Heat's first two series...well, so the Heatles and Co. beat the Bucks, which was expected and kind of dull. Then the injury-depleted Bulls came to town, and some people thought this would be exciting because the bastards beat the Heat to end The Win Streak, but then what most people thought would happen happened and it took 5 games and lots of annoying pushing and shoving to extinguish the Derrick Rose-led Bulls. Oh yeah, and Derrick Rose is a wimp.

So here we are with those pesky Indiana Pacers, who, if you don't remember, gave Miami some small fits last season, going up 2-1 before losing three in a row once Dwyane Wade decided to give a shit. Also, last year's series gave us this:

Also, this series is somewhat interesting because anytime there's an opportunity to beat David West, Paul George, Hibbert, and the ever-so-ornery Frank Vogel it's fun. Also, Frank Vogel sucks. Because of the Pacer's irrelevance, I forget about how much I hate Vogel and focus my deserved hatred too much upon the Penguin. But, Vogel is easily the most unlikable coach in the league and he is the worst. And he talks a ton of crap. But alas, we must again go through that dung-hole state of Indiana on our way to the Finals, so be it. At least we don't have to look at Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer's ugly faces or Monta Ellis and Brandon Jennings' tattoos and inefficient shot selections any longer. 

Heat Sweep Bucks, Dolphins Draft Guys, MIKE WALLACE IS IGNORANT

(updated 4-29-13 5:32pm)

So the Heat sweep the Bucks, the Dolphins draft a few dudes, but new Dolphins FA receiver MIKE WALLACE IS IGNORANT Y'ALL, so I'm posting about it.

If you haven't read this (and please, go read it, it's wonderfully written), then you won't know that NBA center and 12-year veteran Jason Collins has come out today. This is the first openly gay player in the four major sports leagues, ever. But even if you haven't, Wallace has. Or at least he read about someone reading or, or heard it from somebody, or none of these things happened and he just heard something about a gay dude through the grape vine. Or maybe he was just listening to some Elton John. Either way, something possessed Mr. Wallace to speak out about the gay rights issue; well, that wouldn't fully grasp it. Well, Wallace decided to speak out about something, at least. And of course, he did so on Twitter to his some  followers and anybody who follows those people who saw those people tweet about it, like me.

Wallace has deleted his tweet, but this is what it read: "All these beautiful women in the world and guys wanna mess with other guys SMH"

SMH guys. Shake. My. Head. I don't understand either, Mr. Wallace. I don't understand...never mind. Don't worry about it.

Wallace has since tweeted this:

Never said anything was right or wrong I just said I don't understand!! Deeply sorry for anyone that I offended
— Mike Wallace (@Wallace17_daKid) April 29, 2013

So yeah. Hopefully Wallace catches footballs better than he understands things. Carry on with your day folks.

UPDATE: Here is the official response from the Miami Dolphins organization:

“Mike Wallace has apologized for his comments, and we have addressed the matter with him. Mike’s comments do not reflect the views of the Miami Dolphins. We believe in a culture of inclusiveness and respect, and any statements to the contrary are in no way acceptable to our organization.

“We will address the entire team about our policy of inclusion and make sure they all understand the importance of respecting individual choices.”

Dolphins Trade Up To 3 And Pick Dion Jordan From Oregon

So Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland and Co. did something very, very odd and traded up to the third pick in the draft to pick up OLB/DE and pass-rushing freak Dion Jordan from Oregon. This is so weird that I don't have much to say about it. I do have a few thoughts.

1. The Dolphins only gave up the 42nd pick in the draft, even though they moved up 9 spots. Granted, they traded with the Raiders, which makes this bone-headed trade not the least surprising. Hooray for the ghost of Al Davis!

2. Dion Jordan is not a position of need. Well, not a huge one. Everybody who has seen the Dolphins play at least one series on offense and defense notice two things: they don't score touchdowns and they only have one playmaker. That playmaker happens to be Cameron Wake, who turns right tackles into babies and then punts them before eating quarterbacks. But other than that, the Dolphins have a pass rush similar to the Miami Hurricanes, which means they'd rather take passing downs off on defense than anything else. So Dion Jordan provides another freak of nature to run at Tom Brady twice a year.

This does, however, pretty much solve our defensive tackle problem. Paul Soliai's contract is done after next season and Randy Starks is franchise tagged. Most think that the Phins won't be able to afford both, so this allows the Dolphins to pick one, slide Jared Odrick (the other DE we traded a first round pick for, except that time it was lower in the draft) to DT, and turn Dion Jordan into a 3-down player instead of a situation pass-rusher, which is 3rd overall pick status suggests.

3. The Dolphins ONLY GAVE UP A SECOND ROUNDER. This is so incredibly ridiculous and makes this thing worth it.

4. Jordan reminds me a lot of Giants pro bowl DE Jason Pierre-Paul, who the Dolphins pass on to trade down and draft Jared Odrick, who's only known for that weird Pee-wee Herman dance. A skinnier freak of nature that can sack the quarterback. Oh yeah, and he also reminds me of that guy called Jason Taylor, the Miami Dolphins legend and future Hall of Famer who people doubted because he was too small to play defensive end in the NFL. I'd say his career ended up OK.


So yeah, this is such a shocking move by the Dolphins and their love for being conservative and terrible. It does fit their pattern of liking fat dudes, though. But Jordan is very skinny for playing a fat dude position. So again, what the hell?

Stay tuned for the finality of the Brandon "Fat" Albert drama and what the Dolphins do with their other second round pick.

New Miami Dolphins Unis Leaked

Not supposed to come out until tomorrow, the new Miami Dolphins uniforms have leaked accidentally during the reveal of the new Jacksonville Jaguars uniforms.

The most noticeable changes of the uniforms are the white facemask, the bold blue stripe without orange down the helmet, and a more blue stripe down the pant leg. And, of course, the new logo on the helmet. The new uniforms are sleek and more classic than the previous ones and look fairly, well, boring. Not to say that I don't like them. Better than that new logo where the dolphin looks like its trying to rename the phrase "doggy style."

In more exciting (or worrisome) news, the draft starts at 8:00pm tomorrow, Thursday, April 24th. Here's to the Phins not drafting a fat guy with the first pick!

Heat Steamroll Bucks in Game 1

Well, that was easy.

The Miami Heat said "Great, we're finally all playing together again" and then said "I really hate that Brandon Jennings guy" and then said "Oh and that Monta Ellis dude is pretty annoying too" and then "lol," before proceeding to nut-punch the Milwaukee Bucks into oblivion (but not that really crappy-looking Tom Cruise movie that just came out). As what usually happens when you pair one of the best teams of the past two decades with a sub-.500 team, the bench cleared on both sides with about 3 minutes left, with the Heat eventually winning 110-87.

I think the one question we need to ask ourselves here is this: what is a Lebron James and will another one ever come down to this Earth? The answer is probably not. Lebron went 9/11 from the field and ended up with 27 points, 10 rebounds, and 8 assists. He scored 27 points on 11 shots. 27 on 11 shots. 11 shots. Holy terminator.

Besides for Lebron James' inexplicable destruction, other players wearing all-white dominated the hapless Bucks. Chris "Birdman" Anderson went 4/4 from the field for 10 points and 7 rebounds in 16 minutes, including a monster dunk and alley-oop, earning himself a standing ovation when he was replaced by Chris Bosh in the 4th quarter. Ray Allen, the "traitor," in his first playoff game in a Heat uniform dropped 20 points and 5 rebounds, while Chris Bosh scored 15 with 3/4 shooting from the arc and Dwyane Wade had 16, 5 and 5.

A boring match-up was made incredibly fun by this record-breaking Heat squad, who have a flair for exciting plays as well as playing fundamentally sound basketball. And Lebron James is not from this planet.

Also, was anybody else mad that Jax interviewed Bosh post-game so we didn't get to see a Boshy photo-bomb on Lebron? Anybody? Ok.

Game two is Tuesday night at 7:30. Here is usually where I would give some keys for the Bucks to come back and make this a series, but let's be honest: this one is not going to be close. Ellis and Jennings actually played somewhat efficient basketball, as they only do versus the Heat, but Milwaukee just doesn't have enough offensive firepower or an answer for Lebron, Bosh, and Wade on defense to stand a chance. These next three games should just be an easy, enjoyable watch before the Nets/Bulls series for round 2.

Go get yourselves a freaking pastelito and celebrate Miami.

Heat Take Down Magic To End Regular Season -- First Playoff Game Sunday

And there you have it folks--the Miami Heat 2012-1013 Regular Season.

It was a beauty. After a slow start and complaints about defense and motivation, the Heat went ahead and blew through the regular season, doing things like winning 27 GAMES IN A ROW and kill Jason Terry. Lebron James had his most efficient and best year yet (yes, this a thing that is possible), and Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh also had one of their own most efficient years. Yay efficiency!

All in all this team transformed into a new beast, and a freaking-beautiful 66-16 record is what came from it. Coach Erik Spoelstra continued to tweak and morph the offense into a well-oiled, unstoppable scoring machine, and when the team cared enough to give two piles of rhinoceros dung to playing defense, they showed that they were one of the best in the league at that too.

The additions of Ray "Jesus Shuttlesworth" Allen (who gave us this) and Chris "Birdman" Anderson (who gave us this) proved to put the offense over the top, and going into the playoffs it's going to be hard to find any team, from the East or West, who can stop the defending champs, obviously better than last season. Usually you shouldn't put too much stock into a regular season, but when a team just completely and utterly vaporizes everybody in its path for 82 games, it's kinda hard not to put crazy huge expectations on it come playoff time. And honestly, there's no reason to believe that the Heat won't achieve the same success it did last season, and without the whole Pacers fiasco and a need for a Lebron Game Six, also known The Greatest Playoff Game Played By Anyone In, Like, Ever. 

So even with the 2013 playoffs upon us and a Game 1 Sunday against the hapless Milwaukee Bucks (who have that crazy guy named Brandon Jennings and that Monta Ellis guy that says he's as good as Dwyane Wade), it's hard not to miss this spectacular season already. The Lebron murder of poor Jason Terry (that prick), Ray Allen's 4-point play winner against Denver, the win streak, the destruction of OKC at Christmas, the Cleveland comeback, Lelbron, #Horsetronaut. Night in and night out the Miami Heat gave us a show, and there was hardly ever a dull moment. Hell, even the last two weeks, where no one good ever played because of Coach Spo's "maintenance programs", was fun, if not only because watching your bottom 10 players beating full NBA teams is kinda fun. Oh yeah, and Norris Cole almost had a triple double.

So Heat Nation, rise up and get ready for what could be a real "Fo-fo-fo." Even if it's not, it's still gonna be fun.

Hurricanes Magical Season Ends In D.C.

Well, that's all she wrote folks.

In about the most embarrassing and pathetic way to end a season, the Miami Hurricanes basketball team lost to Marquette in the Sweet 16, [enter score here]. It has been a historic, wonderful season for the Canes, most of which I outlined in a 3,000+ word monster ode to the best basketball season in school history. Yet it all came crashing down prematurely, as the Canes were upset in a game in which they failed to become the best tournament team in school history.

As hard as this loss feels, the season the Canes have had is still something to be celebrated about for a long time to come. I will tell my kids about beating Duke by 27 at home and rushing the court and being ranked #2 in the country at one point in the season. I will never forget the season Shane Larkin had, in which he became a second-team All-American to lead the Canes to a double ACC championship. I will never forget Reggie Johnson or Julian Gamble's photo bombs or Trey McKinney-Jones' dagger threes. I will never forget Kenny Kadji scoring from all over the court or Durand Scott's jaw-dropping drives to the basket. I will never forget any of it.

But hot damn was this one hard. Everything that made this season so special came crashing down in the same place that Coach Larranaga went to the Final Four with a team called George Mason or something. The Canes shot about -17% from the floor, couldn't rebound, and couldn't make the loss the least bit respectable. I actually type this with 15 minutes left to go in the game. If we end up losing by like 5, it's embarrassing that a team let up on us in the Sweet 16.

If you want to feel better about yourself read my article about the team's regular season. It will make you happy, trust me. I don't condone drinking this one out, but hey, who am I to tell you what to do?

Even with this loss your Hurricanes team won two games in the NCAA tournament for the first time in about 13 years and only the second time in the history of the program. We all witnessed history this year, folks. And it's about damn time to celebrate.

Also, if y'all still need something to make you feel better, here is Donna Shalala in a hat that says "swag". You're welcome. 

Miami Heat Win Streak Ends At 27 In Chicago

After 51 days and 27 straight wins of kick-assery, the Miami Heat have finally lost a basketball game.

The incredibly annoying and pesky Chicago Bulls, led by their penguin leader Tom Thiba-something, finally did something that led to the scoring of more points than the NBA champion Heat, who now hold the second-longest streak in NBA history, eclipsed only by the legendary 1970-71 Los Angeles Lakers' 33 game wins in a row.

The Heat's run has been incredible, consisting of huge comebacks (including one from down 27 points against Cleveland), huge blowouts, and general Lebron James cyborg-dominant basketball. And we all know that no streak deserves to be in the same world of importance as a championship, so there's no disappointment to be felt in this loss, even as it was against a Derrick Rose-less, Joakim Noah-less Bulls team. It's never fun losing to the Penguin and his minions but hey, the Heat still hold the NBA's best record and are heavy, heavy favorites to win the championship for the second year in a row.

Fact of the matter is, Lebron James and Co. ain't care. So it's on to the next one for the quest for a 'ship. Carry on, folks.

The Miami Dolphins' New Logo Leaked

Just two days after Dolphins CEO Mike Dee announced that on April 25th the Miami Dolphins' new logo and uniforms would be unveiled, a NFL.com mishap leaked the logo today, although Dee blamed it on Nike.

The new logo, for the first time, features a Dolphin whose tail is pointed upwards jumping through the sunburst rather than down, as it happened in the previous logo. This is the fourth time the logo has been changed, the first since 1997. While the old logo changes featured a progressively more mean-looking Dolphin and increasingly bolder colors, the new Dolphins brass felt it necessary to make the Dolphin less mean and go back to more of the original aqua and orange. 

I personally disliked the last logo, so I can't find too much room to complain; however, I will anyway. While I like the new color scheme and, well, never mind, that's about it. The fact that the new Dolphin looks alarmingly like a Nike swoosh and no longer wears an "M" helmet frankly pisses me off. What makes Steve Ross and his band of clowns think that they can emasculate my Dolphin? Huh? The only thing that fits here is that the Dolphin no longer looks like a cartoon that would appear on Nickelodeon. 

This is apparently the sleeve of the new jerseys. This is DE Jared Odrick sporting Dolphins gear with the new logo. And this is Dan Marino approving of the new look:  

Saw the new @miamidolphins logo. Followed the development stage & now its great to see the finished product. #NewEraNewLook #13Approved
— Dan Marino (@DanMarino) March 27, 2013

At least there's that.

In other Fins news, the team signed former Chicago Bears guard Lance Louis, apparently to be, or at least compete for, the new RG. This guy just came off of knee surgery.

God I hate this team. Now back to the Heat game.

Heat Extend Win Streak to 23 With Win Over Annoying Celtics

This article won't be long because the Boston Celtics aren't worth it. Basically, the Miami Heat, now winners of 23 straight, were down 17 in the first half, 10 with nine minutes left in the game, and still cock-punched the Celtics 105-103 after Lebron James' game-winning dagger with 10 seconds remaining.

Jeff Green did that thing where he only plays well once a year, dropping 43 points on a lazy Miami defense, but it proved to not be enough, as Lebron did that thing where he plays like the best player in the world EVERY DAMN TIME HE PICKS UP A BASKETALL, dropping 37 points, 7 rebounds, and 12 assists. He also did this. Instead of reading this article, I would just watch this 8 billion times tonight.  

The 23 game win streak is now the second best in NBA history, behind the Lakers' 33 game win streak a hundred years ago. The next time the Heat face an opponent not completely useless at basketball is against the Spurs awhile from now, so expect this streak to continue barring any cases of Heat complacency-ness. 

RIP Jason Terry 3.18.2013

Dolphins Open Free Agency With A Splash

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland just did that thing where he tried to cover up mistakes from the past.

This time he actually spent money to do it.

The Dolphins opened up the beginning of the NFL Free Agency period yesterday with a big fat spending bang, signing Steelers star WR Mike Wallace to a whopping reported 5 year, $60 million deal. But Ireland and Phins owner Steve Ross, who apparently let their wives take over for the day rather than their frugal, acorn-loving selves, weren't done, signing blossoming star LB Dannell Ellerbe (a pain in the backside to spell) away from the Super Bowl Champions Baltimore Ravens and 100+ tackle season OLB Philip Wheeler from Oakland.

Of course, this means that Miami spent about 50 bagajillion dollars yesterday, slightly above their reported cap space. So cuts had to be made. Ireland showed no remorse, texting "best linebacker in the league" MLB Karlos Dansby that he was no longer required to be overrated for the Dolphins and also releasing steady but old and slow contributer Kevin Burnett. With these two unexpected LB swaps, the Dolphins got younger, more promising, and more cap room. Sounds like a great move...WAT?

Here's what I say on Wallace--the dude can flat out ball and has averaged EIGHT touchdowns a season over his career. The Dolphins AS A GROUP scored three in 2012. So, yeah. Of course, 65 million and 30 in guaranteed dollars is quite a bit for a sometimes-disgruntled WR, but how can we harp on Ireland for making a risk, realizing his mistakes (the Wallace-Ellerbe signings mirror the 2008 Marshall-Dansby mistakes from Free Agency) and making a statement with these young, in-their-prime, and talented players? Answer: you can't.

We should all be weary of these pick-ups. Nothing is as good as advertised with the Miami Dolphins. We know this. In fact, we will probably draft a fat guy with our 12th overall pick come April. HOWEVER. The Dolphins still have $20 million in cap room with room to create by cutting or restructuring contracts. The team still has glaring holes, particularly at tackle, cornerback, safety, and tight end. But luckily for us, there are particularly talented free agents at each of those positions this year! Plus, the draft (which we shouldn't hang our hats on honestly...).

So look for more big Jeffy Jeffy Jeff Ireland dancing moves in FA this spring. This ain't over bihh.